1. He texts you back. Honestly, it’s depressing that this is a qualification of a high-quality man, instead of the requirement of basic and polite human interaction like it should be. Seriously, the standards are so low and Jeff still can’t fucking meet them.

2. But he won’t text you between 1am and 4am. You won’t be rising from your blissful 7-8 hour-long slumber to that dreaded “you up?” text that awakens pure fury and rage within the inner depths of your soul. Why the fuck would you be up at 2:56am on a Wednesday, Sean?

3. He’s not afraid to show affection in public. But not the way Dan was, where he’d make out with you at bars and it was so uncomfortable because, like, your friends were there and his friends were there and strangers were looking at you and the bartender already asked you to knock it off. High-Quality Guy (HQG) will be down to hold your hand though.

4. He’ll comfort you when you’re upset, instead of dismissing you. Ok, but like, what assholes are you dating that don’t do this naturally? Not doing this isn’t even a “low-quality guy” trait—it doesn’t even warrant using the word “quality” in the same sentence. Casey says he feels “uncomfortable” around tears? What the hell does that even mean?

5. He’s earned your trust and commitment. When Kevin says something like “~*~you can trust me~*~” two dates in and after he’s asked you to tell him something super personal that you don’t really want to tell him just yet because you, like, don’t even know his middle name or how old he is specifically (mid-20s?!?), that is not him welcoming you into his Trust Circle; it’s him being kinda a dick. HQG is gonna wait until you naturally and comfortably want to tell him whatever it is.

6. He introduces you to his friends. Not talking about that time you showed up at Jimmy’s place to pick up something and his friends happened to be in his living room playing Xbox, only to keep their eyes glued to the screen and shout “WHO DAT?” when Jimmy answers your knock, and then Jimmy is all “oh it’s just a friend” or “oh this is the girl I mentioned once when you asked me who I was texting” and then he makes you leave so he can continue his grownup man playdate. No, this is a pre-planned meeting—one where HQG shows up with you and his friends all take turns shaking your hand.

7. He puts you to bed when you’re drunk. This is the defining factor on which you should base whether you could spend the rest of your life with this man.