I’m Not Sorry For Having Feelings For Your Boyfriend

I’m not sorry for having feelings for your boyfriend.

Because before he was your boyfriend he was mine. He was my best friend. My confidante. My everything.

What I am sorry for is how I spoke about you after. As if it was your fault and not his. As if he was a kid you lured away with promises of candy. He was a grown man and he made his decision.

I’m not sorry that we never were friends. You and I just weren’t ever going to be friends no matter how hard we tried to force it. Because I could see you wanted him and I had him.

I am sorry that when we were in forced social situations after that I couldn’t even respect you enough to look you in the eye. Because I couldn’t accept the fact that you had gotten what I had always tried to keep.

I’m not sorry that to this day hearing your name still makes my blood boil just a little bit. Because you were calculating and you waited for your moment. And it came. And you won.

I am sorry that woman to woman I called you names that I would never call anyone. Because stooping that low and blaming you entirely is uncalled for.

I’m not sorry that I’ve talked to him since you’ve been together. Because as mentioned, he was the most important thing to me before everything happened and letting him go has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Seriously. Ask anyone who knows me.

I am sorry that I made you the ultimate villain and my mortal enemy for so long. It was easier to think that you were the evil doer in this scenario. Easier than me blaming him or taking responsibility in the role that I played.

I’m not sorry that sometimes late at night I wish that you didn’t exist. Because I wonder what would have happened if you didn’t. If you weren’t lurking the shadows. If you hadn’t been around.

I am sorry that I’ve wished you bad. Because what good would that do anyone? You and I shared a lot in common when it comes to love so on some level we actually would get each other.

I’m not sorry that I strongly dislike you because of the pain that I’ve been through. Because even though it wasn’t all your fault, you still own a piece of it. And I can’t help but dislike you for that.

I am sorry that I’ve acted as though I’m better than you. Because I’m not. I’m not even close to better than you. We’re just different in how we would choose to go about situations.

I’m not sorry that I still love him.

Because I probably always will. And that’s an awful thing to say but it’s true. I’ve moved on. Eventually I’ll be fully over it. But I will not stop loving him because I don’t think we ever do stop.

I am sorry if I’ve caused you any pain. Because I know that there are parts of you that hate me. It’s obvious that I’m a thorn in your side that digs in sometimes when you see me.

I’m not sorry that there’s a part of me that thinks that one day we might work out.

Because even though I keep that piece hidden in the darkest corner of my heart, it’s true that I wish some days that he would come back. But I know that he’s happy. With you.

And for that I thank you for. Because if I couldn’t be the one making happy, at least someone is.

Because when you love someone, you wish them well. Even if it kills you to do so.