I Have Decided To Love Myself First

I’m not supposed to stay here, not supposed to be fixated at this single spot I am on. I’m not supposed to be defined by others’ expectations of me, not supposed to be trapped in this crystal ball of safety, or caged like a bird with overly large wings.

I’m supposed to fly free, for my body, soul and mind. I’m supposed to know what freedom is, supposed to remember it. I’m supposed to feel okay with being honest. I know it’s a dangerous world out there, but I’m a dangerous girl, and danger is my mantra.

But more often than not, we are so engrossed with our agendas and to-do lists, that we forget what freedom is. We lose our sense of adventure because we are often told it’s “safe and comfortable where we are.” We are trapped within ideals and expectations that may not even be ours to begin with because other people, who apparently know us better than ourselves, imposed them on us. We succumb to societal pressure, the need to “fit in” and conform to society’s definition of “normal.”

We are expected to have glorious pursuits, like becoming a doctor, a lawyer, or an astronaut who could escape the fucking blackhole. We are expected to want to be rich, to live in a penthouse and drive a nice car. We are expected to be quiet and not express any controversial views. We are expected to love people who is of the opposite gender because “it’s only natural.” We are not supposed to be satisfied; we are expected to be hungry for success.

We are trapped in this rat race, caged like birds with wings tied up.

I used to be like that. I used to be an overtly go-getter, giving up time with family and friends, giving up the things and people I love, to pursue things that I thought would make me happy.

But they did not make me happy.

I was pulled in so many directions that even I lost sight of the north of my compass, lost sight which way is which. I banged into so many obstacles, went through so much hell, mentally and physically.

And then I decided to be free.

I decided to choose happiness. I decided to choose freedom.

I decided to choose me.

I decided to move because I’m not a fucking tree that stayed rooted to the ground. Hell, even a tree and a plant know how to move towards the light.

I’m supposed to be able to do things that make me happy, that feed my soul. I’m supposed to fly free, to fly in all directions, to fly without any boundaries.

I decided to do the things I love. I decided to not put up with bullshit. I decided to lose things that were important to me, because I could keep what is even more important to me. I decided to give up on things and people that I knew had no future or prospects with, so that I could continue my quest for something greater, no matter what kind of wait I had to endure.

I decided to have a taste of true freedom, and that, I want to believe, is what everyone deserves.