I Will Never Understand ‘Casual Dating’

I do not understand casual dating. Never have. Never will.

It honestly makes no sense to me, in fact, it terrifies me. It’s like that part of me is missing. The ‘careless’ part, or as some may say, the ‘fun’ part. But I am not fun or carefree, not with matters of the heart. I’m steady, cautious, timid. I’m afraid.

How does one even casually date another? Like, what are the rules? Are there any? Or do you just emptily fuck them and take them to dinner, ask them questions about things you don’t really care about and then at some point in the future decide they’re boring and move on?

Is there a plug you disconnect from your heart so you don’t get attached?

How do you fit yourself into someone else’s life, get to know how they like their coffee and the way they chew the inside of their lip when they get nervous and then just… Leave? How do you un-know these things? How do you just not care? Do you set out for this? Do you both agree on it beforehand?

I cannot bear the thought of meaning nothing to someone. For them to look into my eyes as I come undone and for them to feel emptiness in their hearts.

I do not wish to be a chapter in someone else’s love story. I want to be the whole damned book.

I want pages and pages scattered with beautiful words about our infinite love.

I need security. A knowledge that we are going somewhere. I want to meet his family and to feel his arms around me as we laugh about baby names and argue about how big or small our wedding will be.

I need to know that he loses time imagining the way I’ll look as I float up the isle in my ivory dress, towards him.

I am so far from the ‘cool girl’ that it’s almost embarrassing.

If I love you, I’ll love you wildly and passionately, I’ll love until I run out of air. I’ll love you even when I hate you.

So please, if you’re not looking for a serious relationship, tell me. Tell me before the first kiss. Tell me before you text me ‘good morning beautiful’. Tell me before I get attached, I beg you. Because I’ll fall for you, I know it. I’ll fall for you and you’ll wreck me.

And the saddest part? I’d let you.