1. NO BLEEDING

“No bleeding.”

2. LIQUID GOLD

“Replace the blood with liquid gold.”

3. PEZ DISPENSER

“Make it regenerate Pez and dispense it when you poke the clit. I fricken love Pez.”

4. MORE CLITS

“More clits. Like nine clits and have ’em inside the vagina, around it…one in the butt. Orgasms for days!”

5. SHARP TEETH WITH PARALYZING VENOM

“Jaws and sharp teeth with instantly paralyzing venom. It would change the world completely.”

6. GLOW-IN-THE-DARK MOOD RING

“Two things. It would change colors like a mood ring. And it would glow in the dark.”

7. PIZZA OVEN

“I’d recreate it so that the vagina can make, from scratch, the best pizza on the planet. In 15 minutes.”

8. FLAVORS

“Add the ability to have flavors.”

9. COIN POCKET

“Special pocket in which to store coins.”

10. GLUTEN-FREE

“Gluten-free.”

11. ORGASM ALERTS

“Lights, bells, and whistles upon orgasm.”

12. LETTER OPENER

“Now with a letter opener!”

13. SMOOTH AFTER SHAVING

“It wouldn’t feel like sandpaper a day after shaving.”

14. RAPE-PROOF

“Make them unrapeable.”

15. BLUETOOTH VIBRATION OPTIONS

“Bluetooth connectivity, USB port for firmware update. Oh and vibration options.”

16. FARTHER FROM THE BUTT

“Move it farther away from the asshole.”

17. IT WOULD GLOW WHEN HORNY

“It would glow like when they opened the Ark of the Covenant when it’s horny!”

18. TENTACLES AND TEETH

“Add tentacles and teeth.”

19. a SPIT VALVE LIKE ON A SAXOPHONE

“Something like a spit valve on a saxophone, to just empty all the spunk out in one go, instead of it slowly dribbling out over the course of half a day.”

20. barbed thorns and highly acidic menstruation

“Barbed thorns. Highly acidic menstruation.”