I want to start by saying that I’m sorry.

I know I‘ve said it probably a million times but I feel like I need to keep apologizing. I keep saying it in the hopes that you’ll understand all the things I’m apologizing for. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that all the memories we made are now tainted with sadness. I’m sorry that I didn’t love you the way you deserved. I’m sorry that I couldn’t really explain to you why we had to end. I’m sorry that I waited so long to tell you when I already knew it was over. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I gave up on us. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry that there’ll never be an us again.

I’m just so incredibly sorry.

You might not believe me, you probably won’t believe me, but breaking up with you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It may have hurt me as much as it hurt you. I can hear someone in the audience of those who’ve had their hearts broken shout, “Bullshit!” I hear you but hear me, it’s never easy hurting someone you love and I do, I love you. You didn’t ask and I didn’t tell you but here’s the truth: I love you.

You were one of my closest friends, one of my best friends but I’m not in love with you anymore. I know. Ouch. I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know how and I don’t know why but my feelings for you changed. It’s not your fault and it’s not my fault either. The sand in our hour glass just ran out.

At this point, I’m going to apologize again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t change for you even though I wanted to so badly. You didn’t ask me to but I felt like you didn’t need to. I wanted to be the kind of girl that I felt you deserved. A nice kind of girl you could trust, the kind you could take home to your mother, even though I’m terrified of meeting people’s parents.

I wanted to be a forever kind of girl. I wanted to be a girl who could promise you forever and mean it. I thought I’d changed but I discovered that I hadn’t. I’m still as afraid of commitments and forevers as I was before. I still like to spend my Fridays and Saturdays dancing in clubs with my friends. I still enjoy taking shots and having a good cocktail. I still like to do all the things you never liked, the things you secretly never approved of.

You and I just weren’t meant to be in the end and that makes me sad because I wanted us to work out more than I’ve ever wanted anything. You don’t see this now and you may not see it next week, or next month or next year but one day you’ll see that you deserve so much better than me and what I could give you.

Someone who could understand you better than I ever did. Someone who isn’t drowning in their own demons.

So I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I hope I haven’t made you afraid to give your heart again. I hope you’re not afraid to fall in love again. I hope that one day you find someone who makes you happy.

And I hope that one day you’ll forgive me instead of just telling me not to apologize.