1. “I’ll be…like so fast. You won’t even notice I came.”
Valid point considering I never noticed the entire time I was sleeping with you; you’re absolutely right(!!!) I probably won’t (and ultimately never did) notice. But the fact that you would even let those words slip right out of your mouth just shows how you have both:
- No idea or concern about figuring out how the female body works, and
- No hope of ever getting a woman off.
I’m not sorry for you at all after hearing about that time a girl bit your penis mid blow job. You deserved it. Hell, you EARNED it.
2. “The cramps can’t be that bad. And don’t worry, I’ll only be a little weirded out if you bleed.”
All right baby boy. Remember when you got hit in the “family jewels” at full force in elementary school gym class because you were playing dodgeball? Imagine that happening every few minutes all. day. long. As someone who is lucky enough to have the same sensations as contractions when cramping, I would just like to yell: YES THEY ARE THAT BAD. (Please clap in between each word for emphasis.)
And you’ll only be a little weirded out? Well guess what sugar!? I won’t be weirded out or even be the tiniest bit upset when you GTFO. Don’t let the door hit you in the testicles on the way out. And if it does — don’t worry! It won’t hurt that bad.
3. “But I won’t drop you!”
Famous last words. You are far more focused on the sensations happening around your boys to even give me and my personal safety a second thought.
I am supremely happy I didn’t break anything. You should lift more before making such bold statements.
4. “Om nom nom nom.”
Nope nope nope nope NOPE.
Okay. I shouldn’t have actually said anything back. I should have just fled the scene.
Imagine your favorite running away gif (mine is the lizard running on water but I digress) because that is exactly what should happen if a man ever makes a noise like that. That should have been my reaction when this came at me. I should have told him to leave and never come back, Gollum style.
5. “Oh my god, look! No hands!”
Oh honey…. You could have made this funny, less awkward, or even charming had you been a good lay. But your self confidence was next to nothing and I really got the vibe that you wanted to cry and quote Nicolas Sparks movies after we were done. You always seemed like you were trying to prove something and could never exactly pinpoint what you were aiming for. Godspeed my friend; I just wasn’t the girl/vagina for you.
6. “Could you maybe…I dunno…call an Uber or something?”
Yeah bro, already on it but don’t hurry to even pull the condom off first. And just so we’re clear, anyone who gives a hickey after the age of 19 needs to self evaluate anyway. Plus: you are almost 30 and sleep on a mattress on a floor…wasn’t planning on spending the night with you in any way shape or form. Thanks for the beer and humiliation though!
7. “You aren’t going to tell them it was me, right?”
You tried to:
- Punch me mid-fuck.
- Asked me to stick a finger up your ass.
- Said you loved me/came in my hair.
- Wanted me to pretend to be an alien
(And yes all of the above happened.)
I won’t name names on the Internet or to strangers because I’m classy to a certain extent. But yeah, my friends all know what you did, said and asked for. Hey, you were willing to get naked; you should have known that it was a possibility. And please, like you haven’t exposed parts of me to your friends over whiskey. Please. 
