10 Things The Guy Who Dumped You Won’t Say (To Spare Your Feelings)

1. We’re about to get very drunk

You might like to imagine us going home to our empty apartment and feeling lonely and being sad while we wait by the phone wondering if we should text you that it was all a mistake. This will never happen. By the time a guy dumps you he’s thought about it a LOT. His mind is made up and he’s just been dreading pulling the trigger. Now that we’ve finally gone through with it, it’s time to get drunk.

2. The best part of breaking up is having sex with someone new

No matter how much a guy loves his girlfriend or wife there’s a part of every committed guy’s psyche that’s crying about never sleeping with someone new for the rest of his life. This is especially true if you’re in a relationship with zero to little sexual experimentation (if you’re wondering whether you are or aren’t, you definitely are). After a breakup the whole wide world of sex is open and available (at least in our fantasies) to us. We can’t wait.

3. We’re calling you names

Sorry, this is just guy culture. When we’re in the anger phase of a breakup we’re referring to you to our friends by some things I won’t repeat here. For the most part we justify it because you hurt us and will never find out about it.

4. It doesn’t take us that long to get over you

The thing with dumping someone is that you get to have closure because you’re the one ending it. I’m sure it’s the same for girls who dump guys. By the time the actual breakup happens we’re pretty much over it, unless it was sudden. We’re busy reclaiming our manhood in our newly single status and doing whatever-the-fuck-we-want at all hours.

5. We’re praying we don’t have to “talk about it” with you again

A breakup is a breakup is a breakup. Or at least, it should be. But there are girls who won’t let it go and you have to rehash it over and over. Each time we do this, our memory of the great things about the relationship fade faster and faster. No one wants to be stuck in the Hotel California of relationships.

6. If we say we want to stay friends we have an ulterior motive (probably sex)

It dishonest for anyone to stay friends after a big breakup. You can be friendly in the future, sure, but right away you need space. So, if your guy dumps you and wants to remain friends there’s an ulterior motive there. Either he’s hoping to downgrade your relationship from official to friends with benefits, or he’s hoping to continue using you because your brother works for Ticketmaster or something (true story). Or else you live together and he wants to stay rent-free while he looks for a new place. Don’t trust this guy. Seriously.

7. We’re about to get jacked

Guys don’t like to express their feelings through words. We like to express them by beating the shit out of our bodies at the gym. Coincidently, this also helps with finding a new girlfriend to replace the one we (kind of) miss.

8. If (and realistically, when) we think about you, we won’t tell you

Dudes are just more simple than women, we don’t have memories firing away in our brains all day long. There’s disadvantages to each gender but one advantage here is it’s a bit easier to move on. Yes, we will think of you. We’ll probably even remember the whole relationship fondly. Just don’t expect us to share that with you — we’re moving on, remember?

Caveat: a guy will tell you over a weak-ass text message when he’s drunk. That dude is weak though. Don’t take him back.

9. We might cry

This is less likely if the dump was well planned out but say we caught you cheating and dumped in the heat of the moment. Tears will likely be involved, but again, we’ll never tell anyone.

10. We’re really excited about our freedom

A good deal of what goes on in relationships is the girl trying to reign in the guy so he acts “civilized” — which means he has to say goodbye to a lot of his favorite hobbies: gaming, cigars, poker nights, eating whatever the hell we want, growing a beard, etc. There’s a rush at the end of every breakup where we remember we aren’t encumbered by impressing you anymore. We can do our own shit again, and it feels fucking great.