10 Signs Your Ex Is Actually, Legitimately A Psycho

1. They drive past your house at random hours of the night.

I used to catch one of my ex’s doing this all the time and it scared the ever-living shit out of me. I knew if he ever saw me with another guy, he would get out of the car and we’d be looking at a double murder-suicide. I would freak myself out more by saying things like, “This person used to love me more than anything in the world, why would he ever hur….” Okay never mind, he is probably going to kill me.

2. They try to break you and your new boo up.

Their mentality is “If I can’t have you, no one can.” One of my friends is constantly struggling with this. Her boyfriend’s ex will not leave them alone and she continues to come up to my friend and tell her deliberate lies about her boyfriend so that they will breakup. His ex even showed my friend fake text messages on her phone from him asking her to come over. My friend believed her until Psycho-Ex’s friend confessed to the scheme and told her it was all fake.

3. Denial.

They are in complete denial. They argue with you, “We aren’t over yet! We are love, what are you talking about? Look how happy we are together!” They will not let you breakup with them, even though you’ve moved on to another person about five years ago. They make things up like, “He proposed to me on the beach in front of his parents! We talked about having a family together.” None of this actually happened, but in a psycho’s mind, it did. It only justifies their crazy behavior. They won’t date other people because they are banking on getting back together with you, even though you’ve told them a million times that you are dating someone else and they should too.

4. Voicemails.

I always have a feeling of fear when I listen to a voicemail because no one leaves a voicemail unless you are in some kind of trouble. Example: “Hey, this is Dad, can you call me back? We need to talk about why you only have five cents in your bank account.” A psycho will leave you voicemail after voicemail. The first one will have a really happy upbeat tone like nothing ever happened, “Hey babe! Miss you so much, call me back when you get a chance! Love you!” Ten minutes later in a frantic and sobbing voice: “I fucking hate you so much! Whyyyyy did you do this to me. Oh, god, I’m going to die alone. I need you.” It’s a vicious cycle.

5. Suicide threats.

One of my ex’s threatened to kill himself on the regular. I knew he wouldn’t do it and that it was all talk, but it still frightened me that he thought he could manipulate me into getting back together with him by telling me he was going to kill himself. I was in college and really was against being in a relationship. He would text me and say things like, “I can’t live without you, I’m seriously just going to kill myself. I love you. When I die, you’ll be the last thing that’s on my mind.” High school drama class really paid off for you, didn’t it? Modern day Romeo, right there. At first I played into it because I was worried, but after about 50 suicide threats, I stopped texting back. He’s still alive.

6. Finding random gifts.

Oh buddy, I used to have an ex that would leave flowers at my doorstep all the time. Flowers, chocolates, you name it, I got it. I would just let it pile up. I felt like if I accepted the gifts, that would give him some hope that I would be open to starting a relationship again. Nope, the hope was still very much alive, despite my refusal of gifts.

7. “I’ll show you!”

This is probably the worst one. Your ex tries to hurt you emotionally. Breaking up is a sensitive thing, but this person wants to prove to you that they are totally 100% okay with you breaking up with them, even thought they are really not. They post a million pictures of different hot girls and send you a text being like “Did you see the blonde in that picture I posted? Yeah, I hooked up with her the other night and she was so much better than you!” This is flat-out immature and unnecessary. Deep down, they are hurting and this is the only way they can process their feelings. They feel like if they have to suffer, you are going to have to suffer as well. They try to get back at you and it just comes across as dirty. It has the opposite effect of making you want them back and the thought of you hooking-up with them again makes you get an anti-boner.

8. They show-up out of nowhere.

You idiot! You slipped up on social media and provided a location to where you are hanging out at tonight. You are having a great time with your friends and then all of the sudden you spot your ex. Your attitude immediately changes and you decide to go home. On your way home, you feel like someone is watching you. You check your rearview mirror, only to see the horror of your ex’s car trailing your tail-end. Panic quickly ensues and you bust out into hives. You know you are about to get confronted. You get out of your car and hear their car door slam. “Fuckkkkk,” you think to yourself. They storm up to you and ask you who that person you were talking to was. You try to calm them down and ask them to leave, but they aren’t having it. You end up getting into a huge fight in the middle of the street. They are escorted away in handcuffs by the police.

9. You come home to find some of your things missing or in a different order.

At first you just think you misplaced some things, then you realize that no, actually some of your things are missing. It took me about a year to find out that one of my ex’s had stolen a key to my house and had been staying there when I was out of town. I lived alone, so I didn’t have a roommate to defend my apartment. What can I say, I attract the good ones.

10. They give you the “I’m not crazy” speech.

And when you finally decide to confront them about all their insane behavior, they give you a two hour Academy Award winning speech about how they are in fact, not crazy. With this speech you get to see their mastery of acting. They laugh, cry, yell, do a monologue. They try their very hardest to convince you that they are not crazy, but the whole time you have your finger hovering over the call button to 911. The more someone tries to convince you that they aren’t crazy, the more they cement themselves into actually being crazy. Fact.

Read Not A Match, one of the bestselling Kindle Singles of all time, here.