1. “I should probably delete all of my party photos off of Facebook.”
“But doesn’t everyone have party photos now?”
“It’s still not a good look.”
“But if someone was going to disqualify me over a picture of me beer bonging a Corona, I don’t think that’s the kind of environment I’d want to work in.”
[Deletes photos in a panic after creating a Linked In]
2. “Holy shit, I’m only a few years younger than my parents when they had me.”
“I should step up my game, maybe I’m ready to have a kid!”
“Lol no.”
3. “I should really be saving money, I should by a house at some point.”
“But happiness is drawn from experiences, so I should probably be traveling more. I should be enjoying wonderful nights out with friends over wine at great restaurants. I should be living.”
“But I can’t live in the memories of great pasta and trips to Spain.”
“…Or maybe I can.”
4. “I’m just going to look at kayak.com for a few seconds, just to laugh at the ticket prices.”
[2 hours later]
“So if I don’t eat anything but Goya canned beans and ramen for the next six months, I can go visit my friend in Brazil for a week. Let’s do this.”
5. “Oh shit, my friend’s random-fling-turned-serious-boyfriend-who-I-never-really-liked-that-much is really not going anywhere…ever…better get used to having dinners with him for the next 6 decades.”
“Maybe he thinks I like him. Am I good at pretending to like people?”
“Lol.”
6. “I don’t care about money. I just want to do something that HELPS people.”
[5 minutes later]
“I would definitely sell my kidney for a better apartment.”
7. “I can definitely still party like I used to.”
“But my hangovers are sooooo badddddd.”
“Just remember to drink water.”
“But it’s soooooo harddddddd.”
8. [Sees adorable baby smiling in the line for coffee] “Oh my god, I want a baby. I love babies.”
[Sees 10 strollers filled with screaming babies taking up the coffee shop] “I’m never reproducing in my life.”
9. “Am I too old for this Forever 21 minidress?”
[Sees 15-year-old giggling while holding up the same dress to the mirror]
“Bitch.”
10. “I really need to start learning about wine.”
“Red makes me tired, and white makes me wanna talk shit about people.”
11. “I should take a year off to really find myself — go travel, work in a restaurant, just get in my car and drive when I want to. I need to breathe.”
“If I do that, a 22-year-old girl in a Banana Republic cardigan named Chloe is going to steal my job, and then my entire life.”
12. “My friends are so dramatic… I really need to move and start over. Get a new friend group.”
“But asking people out on friend dates is sooooo hardddddd.”
13. “I am going to start a blog.”
“I don’t have anything to write about.”
“I’ll just reblog pictures of Matt Bomer for now.”
14. “People become such assholes on Facebook when they get engaged. I’m never going to be like that. I can’t believe people like to participate in these charades.”
[Hate-browses people’s engagement photo shoots for an hour]
15. “This week, I’m getting my professional life in order. Time to get some decent office clothes.”
“Blazers are so expensive, oh my god.”
[Buys Forever 21 blazer out of desperation]
“Why does everything in my life fall apart???”
16. “I really need to delete my Instagram… it’s bad for my mental health.”
“But I’m going on vacation next week and that shit is Instagram gold, so I’ll hold off until next month.”
[Puts Amaro filter on a picture of coconuts]
17. “Everything is so expensive.”
[Spends 40 dollars on four drinks at the bar on a regular basis]
“There is just no way to save money. This economy is ridiculous, I wish I was back in school.” 
