M’lady
I was quite the neckbeard throughout high school. I was really overweight, so I subconsciously thought by sounding smart it would make up for it. I wasn’t very bright.
As for an embarrassing story, there was a period of a few months where I called every girl I knew by “m’lady.” Not making that shit up.
I blamed everything on being “too nice”
When I realized I blamed everyone else for my shortcomings, and that I constantly though I was “too nice”. I haven’t had much going for me, but I’ve stopped the self pitying attitude and the trying to leverage kindness for intimacy bullshit.
I realized no one invited me to anything
I remember a time in highschool when I was so absorbed in myself, that over a course of 6 months I realized no one invited me to anything… I just showed up. Younger me was cringe worthy.
The South Park character was me…
Was into WOW way too much skipping duty and work, ignoring responsibility. The south park episode premiered with the fat dude who wore a wrist brace and a chip bowl on his lap and a greasy shirt playing wow with no joy just emotionless boredom clicking away. I looked down to see a bowl of chips I didn’t even remember getting myself and a shirt I had wore for 3 days. Got up mid raid on huhu 30%, got a shower, uninstalled, left a goodbye message on our guilds forum. 6 months later I had a girlfriend again and suddenly wasn’t blaming everyone else for my depression and loneliness.
I thought I could do no wrong
Early last year when my girlfriend at the time broke up with me. I thought I was so unbelievably awesome that it was her mistake.
Looking back at the way I acted I realize I was a total tool at the time. It took a lot of self examination for me to realize talking down to people and treating them like garbage isn’t a way to make friends or really have anyone like you.
How did that not work?
After tipping my fedora for the eighth time she didn’t give me the blow job I deserved.
I thought I was busy
My WTF moment was when my 2 roommates said “Hey, we’re going to shoot pool at the bar. Wanna come?” and my response verbatim was “No, I gotta raid.”
Quit WoW and haven’t played since. I’m still a lonely virgin, but at least I quit
I got a girlfriend
Entering a long term relationship really put my bullshit in check. I used to wear an ugly fedora, play in a prog-rock band, self profess my music elitism, and blamed the women who friendzoned me as being superficial. Seriously, date someone who will make you a better person.
I looked in the mirror
I didn’t start drifting into true neckbeardery until after I turned 21 and I guess it was mostly because I was depressed. I got nerdier and somehow lost the ability to shut up about nerdy topics that interest me, i did the whole angry atheist stage, I had that air of superiority for no reason that neckbeards often do.
Oh yeah, I was gaining weight the whole time too, I ended up being about 415lbs. I grew a truly awful beard. Had I been born German, I doubtless would have been hung for a war crime over it.
A few years ago I looked at my life and though “What the fuck, bro?” and decided to change my diet, then I joined a gym. I’m down to about 230 right now and it’s helped. I’m much more outgoing, I’m able to hold a conversation again, I get some dates now.
Embarrassing stories? I don’t know, literally every interaction with a woman from 21-27 probably counts.
I realized girls don’t like it
I was never a neckbeard, but that was only because I couldn’t grow one for shit. I was, however, a TOTAL fedora all through middle and high school. I didn’t even realize it until my freshman year of college when a girl I asked out told me flat out that she didn’t see me romantically at all, but she’d be totally fine with going for coffee as friends. I was pissed at first but said yes in hopes that I could turn her around on the matter. She called me on my bullshit after about twelve seconds, and said “I want to get to know you better, but if you keep acting like that, we can’t be friends.” I don’t know why, but it got to me. I guess I realized that I valued her potential friendship more than her potential as a sexual partner. She quickly became one of my best friends in the entire world, and she helped me through a lot of issues with girls throughout college. Moral of the story: you can change, and the “friendzone” can be the greatest place in the world.
Prog rock
I thought I was some kind of musical genius for some reason. I was super into Tool back then and I remember I told fucking everyone that I was gonna make a 4-song prog rock/metal concept album on…. conic sections. Yeah. I can’t listen to Tool or Dream Theater anymore because they bring back so much cringe.
Back then I was also all “fuckin bitch friend-zoned me”.
If I could meet my 17 year old self I would slap the shit out of me.
I studied game
When I was in 7th grade I read Chomsky for the first time, because I heard his name in a NOFX song, and suddenly thought I was so much smarter than everyone else because when you’re 13 and into politics before everyone else is everything seems so obvious.
In 10th grade I picked up WoW, Feral druid, and raided fairly extensively. Confused correlation and causation as to why I was antisocial and had no close friends or romantic prospects. Never did homework because I didn’t like how conformist and pointless it was, grades were way below what I could have done.
Made it to 12th grade, made some friends, took the SAT and scored high enough (2310) that some colleges would overlook my dogshit grades. Shaved the neckbeard a little. Then I became fascinated with ‘game’, never the practice of it just the intellectual theory and philosophy of it was nifty to me because it kind of felt like it would get me laid… Luckily it didn’t because I never had the balls to try it in real life. Even wrote a paper examining literature from a game angle for class. The one good thing I got out of it was approach approach approach, it’s a numbers game, Babe Ruth only hit .330 and he’s a legend. Eventually by sheer trial and error I got a girlfriend or two, the actual social confidence snapped me out of neckbeardery. Now I’m typing this on my phone while my girlfriend gets dressed, thinking “Thank God I don’t play WoW anymore.”
Tool
O man I too suffered from Tool elitism. I would flat out tell people they where wrong if they didn’t like Tool. I would also whine about how hard it was to find a girlfriend even though I was a “nice guy.” God I hate high school me.
I was a “nice guy”
“Nice” guys aren’t really that nice.
Source: “Nice” guy.
Some say my fedora grew three sizes that day…
Sophomore year of high school. I had a pretty cute girlfriend, was fairly popular, and was decently fit as well. I wasn’t a beta, and didn’t put girls on a pedestal. Why, do you ask, was I at my most neckbeard’y at this point in my life?
Because even though I dressed well, the absence of a fedora atop my head was made up for the presence of the fedora in my heart. Seriously. It was bad. I’d consistently debate people about the existence of God, I’d always ask the dumber kids in my class what they got on tests so I could make them feel like shit when I told them my grades, I acted like I knew about humanity and society just cause I scored high grades on my essays.
To note a particularly cringey moment, everyone was discussing the symbolism of God in LA class. I raised my hand and said; “RELIGION DOESN’T SOLVE ANY PROBLEMS IT ONLY CAUSES PROBLEMS. THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT RELIGION, AND GOD DOESN’T EXIST CAN’T YOU ALL UNDERSTAND THAT? DON’T TELL ME THAT YOU’VE SPOKEN TO HIM EITHER! IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE THEN YOU ARE A PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC!”
Whole class just sat there quietly. My LA teacher remarks; “I think we should stop the discussion on religion.”
Some say my fedora grew three sizes that day….
Since then I’ve come to accept that religion doesn’t make you intolerant. Being an intolerant asshole like I was did
Atheist asshole
I was a lesbian neckbeard.
I was super into being an atheist asshole bitching about how society is one big orgy of stupid people jerking eachother off on their excellence of being part of the ridiculous system designed for you to work and then die. I ALSO happened to be big on the “Random spork” dealio. It’s agonizing to think about. I don’t even use Facebook because I never want anyone remembering me. I’ve strongly considered changing my name.
I was a friendzoned twilby wearer
I own a fedora (or a twilby or Fuck whatever). I got it because I was in a jazz band and I thought it would be appropriate and make me cooler. It did niether. Going home, listening to jazz and practicing and playing better solos made me cooler. Also I went through a phrase where whenever I got rejected I would blame the girl by saying I was friend zoned. It was HER fault for not seeing my qualities…apparently. I THINK I’m out of that phase. Oh dear, I hope I am.
Classic
I used to be a neckbeard. I still am a neckbeard, but I used to be one, too.
**tips fedora**
Nail in the coffin
When I realized that I owned about half the stuff in this image, I decided some changes needed to be made.
Peak neckbeard
when my first girlfriend (highschool era) dumped me, I spent the next solid week or so hounding her asking her to explain why, and then arguing with her over the reasons she grudgingly gave me until she eventually just stopped talking to me. This was around the same time I also “taught myself” to use a sword from watching rurouni kenshin.
yeah.
9,000 words bro…
I wrote a 9,000 word “In Defense of Bronies” article I posted on deviantART. I thought I’d won the war against haters after that one.
I realized there wasn’t a global anti-men conspiracy
about a year and a half ago I was subscribed to that mens rights subreddit. I changed that when I realized that there wasn’t some kind of global anti men conspiracy. At the same time I also went through a phase where I watched my little pony. That ended when a former roommate brought over a hardcore brony fan and introduced him to me. I’ve never had another dude make my skin crawl like this guy.
I was a female neckbeard
I was a girl, so I couldn’t be the traditional straight male entitled neckbeard, but I was a total ass with a superiority complex.
I was bullied/ostracized a bit in high school because I had social anxiety, was super awkward, overweight, and accidentally non-gender-conforming (I WAS HOMESCHOOLED UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL, NO ONE TOLD ME GIRLS SHAVE THEIR LEGS OR HAVE LONG HAIR OR SIT WITH THEIR LEGS TOGETHER).
So, I overcompensated by reminding myself that I was much smarter than everyone else, and also that I was a much better person because I was agnostic, liberal and tolerant of gay/transgender rights (I was from a super conservative Christian homophobic town). I was that asshole who couldn’t stop talking about 1984 and the government. I thought of other people as “sheep.” I didn’t really get angry/butthurt about boys not liking me, but I secretly fancied myself as the kind of misunderstood fedora-type portrayed in Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” (not that I would have listened to Taylor Swift, because I was a huge music elitist who loved to talk shit about how much Justin Bieber and pop music suuuuuuck). Other girls were “slutty” and “ditzy” while I was some kind of cultured intellectual who doesn’t have to wear “loads of makeup” just to make boys like her.
I never really had a moment of realization, though. I moved to a big liberal gay city after college, felt better about myself and tried to be nicer to other people, and just sort of gradually grew up.
