I Wonder What It Will Be Like To Love Somebody New

It will be strange at first. You’ll ask me out on a date, and I’ll nervously do my hair and makeup, wondering if you prefer my hair curled or straight. I never had to wonder with him. You’ll pick me up right on time, and I’ll slide into the front seat of your car and we’ll make small talk and I’ll smile, but I’ll feel awkward messing with the radio, something I never had to think about before.

During dinner I’ll nervously play with my food, wondering if you find me attractive, if you’re judging me for ordering a salad, if you’re thinking my weight makes me undesirable. I always ordered a burger when I was with him — and I almost always finished whatever he left behind. I knew he loved my body, but with you, I’m not sure yet.

When the check comes, we’ll fight over it, but in the end, you’ll end up paying, and I’ll let you. I wonder if you’d get offended if, down the line, I try to pay for you — I’ve heard some guys let it wound their ego, and I wonder if you’re one of them.

We’ll continue to see each other, and you’ll always make me laugh. You’ll pay attention to me, and send me a “good morning” text each day. You’ll give me butterflies and you’ll leave me awake at night, giant smile plastered to my face, trying to accept the fact that it’s happening again, that I’m getting that feeling I thought I had lost forever.

You’ll ask me to be your girlfriend, and I’ll say yes. We’ll change our relationship statuses on Facebook and I’ll smile whenever I get a new message from you. You’ll continue to surprise me with interesting date ideas, and we’ll spend nights curled up on your bed, watching Netflix and talking about our childhoods. I’ll tell you about my worst fears, and I wonder how you’ll handle them, how’ll you tackle diffusing them.

You’ll take me to see my favorite band, and I wonder if you’ll understand why I have to get there two hours before doors open, and I wonder if you’ll think I’m silly for needing to stand front and center, my body pressed against the gate that separates the stage from the audience. I never had to wonder before, because he knew. He just knew.

We’ll sleep together for the first time and I’ll be nervous. You’ll do everything in your power to make sure I’m not but I will be — it’s inevitable. It will be strange — not un-enjoyable, but different. It will be different loving you because you are not him, and he is all I knew. You’ll teach me to love loving you.

You’ll become my best friend and I’ll become yours. I’ll tell you everything, and slowly, things will remind me of you, and not him. I’ll have the urge to constantly let you know what’s on my mind, and you’ll love it. You’ll do the same. Soon we’ll have a favorite restaurant, favorite movies, favorite songs. We’ll have routines, and you’ll become familiar to me. You’ll become home, just the way he was.

Slowly, you’ll become my person, and I’ll love you unconditionally, and I’ll look back to the way I feel now, and realize how silly I was for worrying I’ll never find love again. You’ll make me realize that a broken heart can’t stay broken forever. You’ll be the one that glues the pieces back together, and I’ll be thankful I met you.