23 Things You Should Never Say To A Barista

1. “I’ll have one small coffee, please.” *Proceeds to take up a precious table for the next four hours to use the WiFi, while other people are forced to stand and eat their muffins and/or drink their lattes.*

2. “Hahaha, why do you call it grande??? IT’S A MEDIUM!!! Hahaha, that’s so dumb!”

3. “Can I have a dry soy cappuccino?” (Why not just cut to the chase and ask if the barista can empty four boxes of soy milk while foaming for 20 straight minutes attempting to get three solid bubbles?)

4. “One large iced skim cappuccino, please.” (This is not a drink. This is not even close to a drink.)

5. “Hold on, I have to finish my phone call.”

6. “Could I just call the store five minutes before I come in to place my order?”

7. “Sorry, my kid made a little bit of a mess, you’ll probably want to clean that up!”

8. “I’m doing the low-carb diet, so could you make this 20 ounce latte entirely with half-and-half?” (Like, live your life, but what in what world is this a diet item?)

9. “Well, this isn’t how they do it at [insert coffee shop that no one has ever heard of here].”

10. “Let me just get a shot of espresso and a cup of ice.” *Proceeds to go over to the milk and sugar station to turn the whole thing into a DIY latte, spilling everything in the process, and totally ripping the store owner off.*

11. “It’s just coffee, how hard could this be?”

12. *Goes out of their way to make eye contact with you while placing all of 20 cents in your tip jar, so you know that they’re a good customer.*

13. “Well, you should add it to the menu.”

14. “Why don’t you have almond milk?”

15. In the dead of winter: “Hi, yeah, let me get 16 Frappuccinos.”

16. In the heat of summer: “One large, extra-hot pumpkin spice latte, please.”

17. “Don’t you know my order?”

18. *Storms up to the counter holding a cappuccino* “Hey, this cup is half empty!”

19. “Is it okay if I leave my stroller directly in front of your counter?”

20. “Why can’t I put my full cup of liquid into the garbage can? Isn’t that what it’s there for?”

21. *Orders incredibly complicated drink during a rush* “Why is this taking so long??

22. “What kind of sugar substitutes do you have? Do you have Stevia? Are you going to get Stevia? Why don’t you have Stevia yet?”

23. “Are you sure this is decaf?”