19 Truths About Boyfriends

1. Never throw your leftovers away in front of him as, yes, he is going to eat that.

2. Learn to accept the presence of tiny, gross face hairs sprinkled around your bathroom sink and counter. The boyfriend is offering them as a gift.

3. Whenever bringing a boyfriend to stores, always make sure there is a comfortable seating area near the dressing rooms with nice chairs, a wheel for exercise, and a wall-mounted water bottle to drink from when he gets thirsty.

4. Always be explicitly clear in your instructions when sending him to the store, lest you ask for “nice cocktail napkins for the party” and end up with these.

5. When introducing him to your best friends, be gentle, as he has been acutely fearing this moment since the first time you kissed.

6. The toilet seat being left up is a noble, albeit futile, struggle. Decorating the underside of the toilet seat with macaroni or rhinestones so as to make it aesthetically pleasing is a healthy compromise.

7. If his eyes glaze over during your detailed recounting of the day’s work drama, do as your mother did before you while scolding you, and ask him to repeat the last thing you said.

8. Make sure, when providing him with a grocery list, to specify all of the items you need. Left to his own devices, the boyfriend is likely to return home with toothpaste, a single can of tuna, and a bag of Tostitos.

9. Always give him the illusion of a vote when it comes to dinner plans, even if it remains a dictatorship.

10. Know that he does not care about the specifics of dinner that much anyway, he is simply hungry and looking for the most immediate solution.

11. He is always hungry.

12. Throw pillows are his natural enemy, and thus must be kept to a minimum on all of his sleeping/lounging surfaces. His inclination to throw them on the floor in a fit of rage while yelling, “What the hell is the point of these???” is not personal.

13. He watches porn, and that doesn’t mean he does not love you. If he denies this, he’s lying, but he’s also doing it to protect your feelings. Leave the boyfriend’s hard drive alone.

14. Sometimes he will agree to watch terrible movies starring Rachel McAdams with you, and he will not be interested or engaged in the movie, despite his insistence to the contrary. Take this for what it is, a peace offering, and do the same when he wants you to watch some terrible thing that he loves.

15. He cries sometimes. Boyfriends cry. That doesn’t make him less of a boyfriend.

16. Always keep his sleeping area equipped with fresh sheets and a comforter that you can promptly steal from him and roll yourself in the second you fall into REM sleep.

17. Never back him into the corner with loaded questions such as, “Does this make me look fat?” as the boyfriend is likely to chew off his own foot to escape the situation.

18. He will sometimes eat so much that he makes himself sick because he does not know how to pace buffalo wings. Rub his tummy and remind him that he can get the rest to go next time, and does not have to eat all 50 of them at the dinner table just because they were on special.

19. Always remember to boop him on the nose and tell him that you love him, and that he’s been a good boyfriend. Keeping a small jar of bacon from which to treat him is also acceptable, but keep it on top of the refrigerator where he cannot get to it and make himself sick.