13 People Under 30 Who Make Me Feel Like Crap About My Life

To be honest, I thought Adele was like 65, but it turns out she’s only 27, which is actually kind of amazing considering the fact that she’s worth an estimated 55 million dollars, has won nine Grammys, an Academy Award, and a Golden Globe.

By David Ludwig

Updated 11 years ago, November 13, 2013

Yesterday afternoon, my parents called me to “have a talk about my future.” Instead of listening, I put the phone on speaker and searched Google for examples of men and women who were confused, directionless, and underemployed in their 20s, but super successful later in life.

Unfortunately, all I found were these fuckers instead.

1. Kate Upton

When I was 21 I had just started Proactive to get rid of the acne on my chin.

When she was 21 she was on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

Fuck “inner” beauty.

2. Taylor Swift

I don’t know about you but I HATED feeling 22.

While I had moved back home, was very single, and being propositioned almost daily for hand jobs while working as a receptionist at a spa, T-Swizzle bought a multi-million dollar beach estate in Rhode Island, released her fourth studio album, had already won six Grammys, and was on the cover of Rolling Stone.

I wish someone would pay me to bitch about my love life.

3. My Parents at 25

By the age of 25 my parents had already completed graduate school, started high-powered “STABLE” careers, solved the AIDS epidemic, cured cancer, never complained to anyone in their life (ever), and had a ten-year plan for their future.

Or so they tell me. Every. Single. Day.

4. Mark Zuckerburg

Mark Zuckerberg was a multi-billionaire at age 23, had an Oscar-winning movie made about his life at age 26, and is celebrated for wearing sweats and hoodies.

Worst of all I’m reminded of this every time I have a social interaction online.

5. Justin Bieber

Biebs is 19, worth 130 million dollars, and three days ago some girl made a 15-second video of him SLEEPING and it already has 35 million views on YouTube.

6. Kevin Systrom

My biggest social accomplishment in the past two months was getting to the 100 followers mark on Instagram, which kind of pales in comparison to the person who actually invented Instagram at age 26, and is now worth 400 million dollars.

7. Adele

She’s basically Kate Middleton’s fat younger sister, only with a better voice.

8. Malala Yousafzai

While it’s definitely hard to harbor resentment for a 16-year-old Pakistani girl who was shot in the face by the Taliban for speaking out about women’s education, and who is now an international human rights advocate, maybe growing up in a privileged, white environment held me back from achieving my true potential.

Thanks mom and dad.

9. Lady Gaga

I’m not sure if I could deal with the costume changes, the working out, and the not-having-a-last-name thing but I’d do my best if at 27 I could be worth 200 million dollars, have an army of “Monsters,” and not be writing this article.

10. Kim Jung Un

Kim Jung Ung is a huge dick/a Korean Nazi/the son of a Team America character, but he also became the leader of a nuclear-armed country at 26.

FML.

11. Robert Griffin III

At 23, RG III is the most popular athlete in the most powerful city in the world. He’s literally more popular than every politician in Washington D.C. combined, which is kind of amazing for someone who would be called “Bob Griffin,” had he decided to pursue a profession that wasn’t a professional athlete or a porn star.

12. Jon Favreau

At age 25, he became the chief speechwriter for then Senator Barack Obama. Then at age 27 he became the chief speechwriter for President Barack Obama. Long story short, having a peer write the State of the Union Address makes me feel significantly worse for getting my 5th article rejected from Buzzfeed.

13. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen

When they were over being famous at 14, they started their own fashion line. Today they’re worth 300 million dollars and they each have a really hot twin.