27 Gross Things Everybody Does When No One Is Looking

1. Picking your nose, sometimes with vigor, and then scientifically observing the contents.

2. Making disgusting food concoctions that absolutely no one would ever enjoy except you, but which are completely delicious and satisfying.

3. Biting off little pieces of your lip and swallow them.

4. Clipping nails (and toenails) just about everywhere in your apartment, and only sometimes cleaning up the remains.

5. Eating foods in your bed, and not just the kinds of foods which are bed-eating friendly, we’re talking the ones which are clearly going to make a mess and end up getting all over.

6. Picking up crumbs off of yourself and eating them without giving it a second thought.

7. Make yourself burp a lot until you almost accidentally throw up.

8. Thoroughly enjoying your own farts, especially when it’s all loud and hilarious and smelly.

9. Occasionally letting loose a fart so vile that you manage to gross yourself out, which is a serious rarity.

10. Spending inordinate amounts of time on the toilet, just because it’s sweet and perfect ‘alone time,’ even if your legs eventually go numb.

11. Looking through people’s Facebook profiles to the point that you know what they’ve been up to, every day, for the past five years.

12. Pulling out the long hairs that get stuck in your ass crack after a shower.

13. Picking your underwear out of extremely hard-to-reach places, even if it requires actually removing your pants to do so.

14. Pushing spilled items under the refrigerator when you’re too lazy to get the broom.

15. Sprawling out naked on your bed in the world’s least glamorous/flattering position, and browsing around online.

16. Catching yourself in the reflection of your computer screen and realizing that you have about 7 chins and your resting position is “mouth slightly open.”

17. Planning exactly how you’re going to get to a remote area to scratch your ass which is itching like you’ve never experienced before in your life (and considering walking into a side alley to scratch because you can’t make it all the way home).

18. Chewing on your nails/cuticles/fingers in general.

19. Blowing your nose vigorously in the shower.

20. Peeing in the shower, even when you could have clearly used the toilet before.

21. Eating peanut butter/Nutella/marshmallow fluff out of the tub with your bare fingers.

22. Smelling your clothes to see if they’re too gross to re-wear.

23. Setting your standards of “what is too smelly to put on again” really, really low on laundry day.

24. Checking your pits to see if you are as gross as you think you are (and liberally reapplying deodorant if you’re too lazy to shower).

25. Not being sure how long you can go between bra-washes, and not really caring that much.

26. Drinking out of communal bottles of milk/juice/soda, even though you have roommates, just because you’re too lazy to wash a new dish.

27. “Letting the pan soak” for about 48 hours longer than any pan would ever need to soak.