The Straight Girl’s Guide To One Night Stands

One-night-only-no-strings-attached encounters are controversial. Anyone who’s sexually active has a strong opinion on the matter: you either do them occasionally and thrive on the randomness of it, or you absolutely hate them after only having one and a bad one at that or you speak about what you’ve never experienced just because you’re repulsed by the entire concept of having sex with someone you’ve just met with the intentions of never speaking to them again. I myself have only had a couple of these strange encounters of the naked kind, but after making out with almost every man who has ever gone to a bar in the entire tri-state area, I consider myself a seasoned expert in the game frequently played inside the minds of women in the midst of a good drunken makeout at a bar: To Bone or Not To Bone? With this system I developed, one never has to worry about having a bad one night stand; I will tell you when to go home alone because it is guaranteed to be bad, or to go home with him when all signs point to you screaming yes.

Go Home Alone When: It’s His Birthday.

You just met him, you don’t owe him a birthday gift (or even a birthday ‘job). You’re not going to get anything out of this and he’ll probably try to guilt you into anal. Don’t fuck the birthday boy at the bar. Do you give other people presents on your birthday? No. And case in point: neither will he.

Go Home With Him When: It’s Your Birthday.

It’s your birthday, in exchange for turning another year older you’re given the golden excuse to do anything and everything that you want to do but have never done because you’re afraid of the repercussions; going wild on your birthday is like committing a crime and then being able to get out of jail by pleading insanity. Let him have your cake and eat it, too.

Go Home Alone When: He Gets Around.

Practice does not make perfect when it comes to sleeping around. If he hooks up with various different girls any night of the week then he’s not having sex for the sake of having sex, he’s having sex for the sake of only getting himself off. Would you like to buy a vowel? Because he’s not going to give you an O.

Go Home With Him When: He’s Just Gotten Out Of A Relationship.

Guys who have had long term girlfriends are like little gifts to womankind. After all, one woman’s trash is another woman’s broken-in fuck buddy. You don’t have to do all the dirty work of explaining to him that making love to a woman is different from when he makes love to his hand. Sleep with the newly single guy. This is one type of rebound that allows for both teams to score.

Go Home Alone When: You’re Having A Great Conversation.

Fight every urge that you have to go home with the great guy that you’re hitting it off with. If you sleep with him upon meeting him, there’s a good chance that he won’t feel the need to call you again, and there’s an even greater chance that you’ll develop feelings for him. Go home solo and see if he calls you. Then you can sleep with him.

Go Home With Him When: His Face Is Better Than The Brain That Lies Behind It.

A successful one-night stand is reliant upon the separation of pleasure from feelings. If you think to yourself “Wow, I could probably have a better conversation with someone who speaks a different language than me than this guy” then it’s safe to say that you won’t get attached if you sleep with this pretty package. Just be sure to leave early the next morning so you can avoid having you know, like, a conversation.

Go Home Alone When: You’re Going To Run Into Him From Time To Time.

Never have a one-time thing with someone who makes cameos in your life. It’s impossible to make small talk with someone after you’ve made dirty talk. If he lives in your apartment building, or you work together, or he’s a family friend he’s always at shit like Christmas parties and family barbeques. If you want to hook up with this guy who pops into your life sporadically, you’re going to have to date him.

Go Home (Or To A Secluded Spot Outside of the Bar) With Him When: It’s For The Novelty Of It.

You’re on the beach, or on a plane, or your roommates are gone and the only reason you want to bring someone home, regardless of who it is, is so that you can finally have sex on the kitchen counter, something you’ve been wanting to do pretty much since the moment you moved in and saw how nice those marble counters were. These type of bucket-list hook ups make sex that under normal circumstances would be just alright into fucking amazing because of the novelty of it.