29 Tweets From A Fake United Airlines Account That Will Make You Laugh Yourself Silly
This might not be real life, but by God, it's so much better. Just remember: "Burns heal, but savings are forever!"
By 
Nico Lang
Sometimes the internet is a terrible, horrible place — world of 4chan and 2 Girls, 1 Cup — but other times the internet makes life worth living. This fake Twitter account from “United Airlanes” proves why the internet exists — to bring joy into our lives and make us laugh so hard our brains hurt. Some very clever person out there realized that IPhones were autocorrecting “airlines” to “airlanes” (for some reason) and set up an account to respond to all the tweets that were sent to the wrong United.
The account from Tumblr user “LeonsBuddyDave” has been active for years, but the internet started to take notice this week when certain tweets went viral. Although many were in on the joke, one customer got very offended when she thought her airline had responded to her complaint, “Count your blessings. At JFK, they throw knives.” When she still wasn’t getting the joke, they followed with, “No, it’s a very serious warning. We accidentally hired bounty hunters to run that desk and now we can’t stop them.”
This might not be real life, but by God, it’s so much better. Just remember: “Burns heal, but savings are forever!”
1.
.@ThirtyBirdy Thanks to customer complaints/the law, we’re no longer able to offer teleportation. Not without the password. #LanesNotLines
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 7, 2013
2.
@DadFarts We don’t hire clowns. If you see a clown, report it. We’re trying our hardest to keep them at bay — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) July 31, 2013
3.
@DROOOPYD TV? On a plane? We allow you to exchange worthless paper for the opportunity to ride a missile across the world. How dare you. — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) July 31, 2013
4.
This is your captain reminding you to fasten your seat belts;we may experience some mild turbulence as we surf this sweet tornado hell yeah
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 6, 2013
5.
@sarahlouisedob Oh shit, did you eat the food? You’re not supposed to actually eat the food.
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) July 31, 2013
6.
.@stepharoozoo United Airlanes reminds you that DVDs are as sharp as they are archaic, and that cutting tools will be valuable on the island — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) July 31, 2013
7.
Today only, get 80% off on Earhart-class tickets – cheap, direct international flights consumed by the infinite ocean and never seen again. — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 5, 2013
8.
United Airlanes Facts: flying at this altitude exposes you to the same stuff that created the Fantastic Four! And bone cancer.
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) June 7, 2012
9.
In the event of an emergency water landing, your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device to keep you above water until you freeze and die
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 1, 2013
10.
. @TheRealPres10 Ssshhhh, the plane is sleeping. Look, its wing is twitching. It is dreaming. — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 4, 2013
11.
.@Raheelk You mean PROPHETIC service. Everyone at our Newark branch can see the future. #Powerball #16-45-32-9-29 #PB17 — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 4, 2013
12.
. @nffc65 You should see our crews load a t-shirt bazooka though – Ralfio can in seconds. He can even hit business class from the cockpit!
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) July 31, 2013
13.
This is your captain reminding you that the cockpit is not soundproof and that your words are hurtful. If flying’s so easy YOU DO IT
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 2, 2013
14.
.@_TROYCE Luggage closest to the rear of the plane gets top priority to be shoveled into the furnace. Gotta keep these planes warm somehow. — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 2, 2013
15.
Though oxygen is flowing, the bag may not inflate. If it does, you are inhaling millions of Micro-Spiders and suffocation is now a blessing. — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 2, 2013
16.
United Airlanes offers condolences for the victims of last week’s in-flight Habachi grill accident. Burns heal, but savings are forever!
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) May 26, 2012
17.
@sonchyADV Here at United Airlanes, we strive to not let a little thing like the fury of God prevent us from delivering tolerable service.
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) July 31, 2013
18.
. @ConorWhately After the first six hours, she technically belonged to us. You’re just lucky we met our monthly quota. — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) July 31, 2013
19.
@cubedweller I take strong offense to these harsh accusations. United Airlanes strives to make your travel time depressing and prolonged. — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) July 31, 2013
20.
Remember: A trip with United Airlanes is exciting, never plane! We joke here but there’s a sizable chance you’ll die because of us.
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) May 18, 2012
21.
. @currywhitney3 They’re plenty gentle until you make prolonged eye contact with them – if you do, don’t blink, don’t ever blink.
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 2, 2013
22.
It’s seven dollars for a thimble of beer and WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT WHEN YOU’RE CLOSER TO SPACE THAN HELL — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) May 7, 2012
23.
. @iMattThrasher On top of that, there was NOTHING good in your luggage. Who the hell still uses a Zune? — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 1, 2013
24.
.@SpaceBard @elepheagle When we upgrade you at United Airlanes, you’re never the same again. You’re better. More powerful.
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 4, 2013
25.
@ARNoodles We’re just feeling a bit down in the dumps. Ice cream helps, but it doesn’t fix anything. You know?
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) July 31, 2013
26.
As we enter our uncontrolled nose spiral, United Airlanes would like to take this time to remind you to reflect on the folly of playing God — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) May 7, 2012
27.
. @united because air travel isn’t already loaded with fear — United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) July 31, 2013
28.
Passengers are reminded that we’re not stopping anywhere and you should have used the bathroom before we were 30,000 feet above the Earth
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) August 3, 2013
29.
@RedStarRevolt We destroyed everyone’s day.
— United Airlanes (@unitedairlanes) July 31, 2013
P.S. For the gamer nerds out there, do these tweets remind anyone else of GLaDOS? Also, if you know what Portal is and are single, you can tweet your best glamor shots to me @nico_lang. 