The 7 Dance Moves Of A Drunk White Girl
Follow me on this mystical journey through all things vodka cranberry, too-tight Forever 21 dresses, and miming our way over the N-word in our favorite rap song. For it is greater than your wildest dreams.
1. The “This is my song!!!”
I’m not saying it’s a Miley Cyrus song, but it’s probably a Miley Cyrus song. (Or nearly anything by The Backstreet Boys). In any case, the opening notes of “Party In the U.S.A.” come on, and it’s as though White Girl just stuck a fork into an electrical socket. She is just an incoherent mass of bobbing, weaving, and screaming as she pushes the elderly and small children alike off the dance floor to secure her spot. It is time to engage in that hallowed ritual of screaming lyrics, spastic shaking, and hugging her girlfriends close for a soul-strengthening circle dance. Do not stand too close to a White Girl during the opening of “Spice Up Your Life,” for you may take a wayward elbow to the face.
2. The hair flip.
There are few things as intense as the coveting between White Girls when one of them has a long, flowing mane of gently curling locks which she can shake to-and-fro to the beat of the latest Calvin Harris gem. No matter how cute your sassy little crop is, it has nothing on the sheer hypnotic power of some well-maintained club girl hair. It’s like a second pair of boobs to shake, and if White Girl is blessed with those Godiva tresses, you can trust that she will be moving them around like the sexual Pantene curtains that they are from the beginning of the evening to the end.
3. The lackluster ass-shake.
Before going out, she has watched just enough twerking videos on YouTube to convince herself that she has what it takes to do that individualized ass cheek-pop to the dulcet tones of Tyga. While most White Girls are guaranteed to stay in the corner, self-consciously ass-shaking whilst making sure never too look too ridiculous (as she knows that she has neither the skill nor the thickness to pull it off with panache), there is always going to be that one girl.
Shout out to the one White Girl who is up by the speakers, upside-down in full “Express Yourself” mode, shaking that prairie-flat backside with such vigor and zest that we all fear she might shake herself right out of her Bebe bandage dress. You are the true hero.
4. The “Yes, a group dance!”
Finally, some moves that White Girl can be sure she knows! Everyone circle around to the dance floor, because she is about to show you the depth and richness of her knowledge of The Electric Slide, The Macarena, or The Cupid Shuffle. (Depending on the side of the Mason-Dixon Line you claim as home, this may also include The Boot Scootin’ Boogie.)
It’s time to step aside, because White Girl knows what she’s doing.
5. The prom-style ass-rub.
If it’s not broke, don’t fix it. And that indiscriminate ass grind against the increasingly-noticeable genitalia of the man you are interested in is a move that stands the test of time. It’s the dance that everyone can participate in, and gives enough of a “we are participating in the social aspect of this evening out” vibe to justify all of the sloppy making out that is sure to occur over by the wall just moments later. White Girls everywhere have relied on this mating call since the dawn of the school dance, and we are not about to give it up for anything. It doesn’t matter if you are a championship ballroom dancer, no one is above the occasional “We Totes Gon Fuck L8er” grind.
6. The cry.
She’s either talking about her ex, or how lucky she has to have such a good group of friends — it’s hard to tell through the constant hiccuping. Either way, the DJ had the poor judgment to put on “The Graduation Song” by Vitamin C towards the end of the night when White Girl is nearly 10 drinks in, and now you’re going to have to hold her up as she dance-cries all the way to the taxi cab.
7. The dance-while-eating.
Just because White Girl has her Jumbo Slice does not mean that she is going to let the party stop there. She is going to hold that box of McNuggets up like they were Simba himself atop Pride Rock, swaying back and forth to the Major Lazer song that is no doubt still echoing in her head. Eventually, the dance moves are guaranteed to slow to a rhythmic, closed-eye rocking back-and-forth in her booth at Taco Bell, slowly falling asleep with her Cheesy Gordita Crunch in hand. The night may be over, but she’s going out dancing. 