The 20 Most Irrational Fears

1) Leaving the house without pants. I’m always so afraid that I’m going to leave my house and walk around outside not wearing any pants.

2) Getting into an elevator that’s crowded with people. You know how it is — people always shove into that last little spot.

3) And speaking of elevators, getting stuck in an elevator on like the 18th floor with a bunch of people. But hey, at least you could spend the rest of your time trying to figure out which one of you is the devil!!!

4) Getting a limb cut off when you try to rush into the subway just as the doors are closing. One of the train lines in Paris is automated and there are two sets of doors — the actual train doors and these like pre-doors, and both sets of doors open when the train pulls into the station. The other day I was rushing to make the train and got stuck in between BOTH sets of doors, and since there’s no driver I thought I was going to get sliced in half omg.

4) Every social interaction ever.

5) People are afraid of balloons. I don’t mind balloons, but those bitches are scary when they start popping. They sound like gun shots.

6) Watching a porn and somehow being exposed, like someone walking in on you, or you accidentally clicking the “Like” button so the porn you’re currently enjoying pops up in your News Feed!

7) Giving some kind of lecture/talk and forgetting to close all the porn tabs.

8) Mold. I am deathly afraid of mold. If I open the refrigerator and take something out, or open up the bread and it’s covered in fungus, I will scream and drop that shit like it’s hot. WHY IS MOLD SO SCARY.

9) Splitting the pole. This is more superstitious than anything, but one of my cousins doesn’t like to “spilt the pole” when we walk around outside. If a pole comes up and we are walking down the sidewalk, she will walk on whatever side I’m walking on so we don’t split the pole.

10) Throwing things away. Or maybe what I mean is letting things go. When I go to movies I keep the ticket, and the movies I like I keep in my wallet. I also keep flyers and all sorts of papers, don’t really know why but I’m into it. It’s like I didn’t really DO IT if I throw what’s left of it away or something.

11) Clowns. Clowns are scary as shit — they are made out of plastic and they have crazy hair and they just don’t make any sense they are not even human what are they?

12) Using the toilet and having some awful snake or bug eat your ass.

13) Being in the bathroom and saying “Bloody Mary” over and over and waiting to see what will happen. Actually, I’ve never done it. Kind of too scared to try, frankly.

14) That teddy bears come alive when we are not there to watch them. When I was a kid I was totally CONVINCED that they all came alive and played when we humans weren’t around. I would even try to “catch” them being alive by storming into the room when they least expected it.

15) Poking your eye out on a coat rack that’s at eye level.

16) Helmets. I’m afraid of helmets. I know it’s protection, but I’m like scared that I’m never going to be able to get it off and also I don’t like how you breath when it’s on.

17) Getting a paper cut on your eyeball.

18) Putting something in your hand when you are shopping and forgetting you have it when you leave the store. I have never done this but I am almost always on the VERGE of doing it.

19) Standing really high on buildings and looking down.

20) Sending a text message to the wrong person — or an email for that matter. You know the ones I’m talking about — where you are complaining about someone or sending an XXX pic and you double and tripple and fourple check that the name is correct. And it’s really scary, too, because now that we have stuff like “autofill” it enters the name for you and sometimes you don’t even think twice. What are you going to do when that message hits the wrong audience? Whoops!