All The Straight Guys I’ve Ever Slept With

The most annoying thing a straight person can say to a gay is, “You think he’s cute? He’s straight.” Absolutely brilliant sleuthing, Sherlock! The fact that he’s straight doesn’t mean I can’t find him attractive, so stop telling me that. I’m attracted to guys period, gay, straight, bi, try, or whatever other thing exists nowadays. They’re all guys!

I read that anonymous piece last week, “I’m Gay And I Fell In Love With A Straight Guy,” and it really struck me. Doesn’t every gay person accidentally fall in love with a straight person at least once? I’ve fallen in love with a couple straight guys before and I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemy. But you don’t fall in love with them because they are straight — you fall in love with them because they’re an amazing person. Every time I fell for a bro I became a total emotional mess. I constantly wondered why he never responded to my last text, if he “got” my sexual innuendo, or what a girl he liked had that I didn’t.

But the thing is, falling in love with straight guys and having sex with straight guys are totally different things. The idea of the “super straight sports bro who has never had his D sucked by a guy before!!!” is one of the most popular tropes in gay pornography. The fetishization of straightness by gay culture is nearly everywhere. It has a lot to do with gay fear of effeminacy, a socially induced, internal fear that gay men aren’t real men, whatever that means, and that straight meat is the best meat. It’s not true. What we forget, though, is that historically guys have been having sex with each other for fun, without much negative social labeling, since, like, Plato.

I don’t mean to step on anybody’s sexual orientation or to perpetuate any harmful myths or stereotypes. And I’m not saying that sexuality isn’t a thing. It is: I know that I’m probably going to fall in love with a guy I’m going to want to marry one day, even if I might find myself attracted to women sometimes. But all this talk about gays and straights as 100% relentless absolutes is nonsense.

I’ve had sex with a lot of straight guys!

Everyone thinks gay guys pursue straight guys, trying to “make” them gay. A straight guy’s biggest fear is that every gay on the earth wants to sleep with him. That’s only half true: we only want to sleep with the hot ones. But let me tell you, I don’t pursue straight guys like that. Sometimes, it’s the straight guys who pursue us.

Jake

Jake lived on my floor the first year in college. He came by my room to visit my other roommates a lot, but he didn’t know that I was secretly fantasizing about him when he did. It was nothing too vulgar, I just wondered what he was like underneath all those cumbersome clothes. But there was something about Jake: he lingered when he looked at me, made himself accessible. I never made a move on him, but I let my eyes linger when I looked at him, too. You can see lust — unless you have a really good poker face. Once Jake and I went on a drive off campus to smoke a joint in the woods. We made out a little and I gave him head in the car. He didn’t do it back to me but it was OK. It only happened once.

Brian

I had sex with this guy on the crew team, the crown jewel of my sexual history. We met on gay.com and when we chatted he saw my face but I couldn’t see his because he only had a pic of his very delicious torso. Told me I was sexy. Told me he was “mostly straight” but liked having sex with guys because it was all pleasure without the emotional attachment, whatever that means. We hooked up five times.

Seth

Faceless dude hits me up on Jack’d telling me he likes what he sees, he loves “latino ass.” I’m actually not even latino (white and Japanese) but I get what he’s trying to say so I let it slide. He shows me a face pic and I’m stunned: ice blue eyes, perfect jawline — he’s gorgeous. It takes us several weeks to hook up because he can’t host. The night he can he texts me to come over and I do and I roll all the way over to his place in Adams Morgan. I’m thinking that he has to be gay because he’s using Jack’d, of all things, but when I ask him he tells me that he’s “mostly straight,” maybe bi, gets with guys sometimes for “relief.” Hmmm. Best sex I’ve ever had in my entire LIFE.

Dustin

I went to a boarding school in the Northeast and became good friends with my roommate Dustin. Cute but not like wow hot. He knew I was gay and I thought he was straight. I thought he was straight until he started asking me questions about what gay sex “was like” and if I was “the man” or “the woman.” I told him neither because the question is stupid. One night we hooked up because he told me he wanted to “try” gay sex, felt comfortable with me because we were friends and he knew I “wouldn’t tell.” It was okay, not great. Only happened once. The next day we both acted like it never happened.