The Pros And Cons Of Eating McDonald’s

Pros

• If you are hungover even slightly, it is literally like looking to the face of God and having him wink at you.
• You get to experiment with all the different sauce combinations, realizing how artistic you are in your choice to combine sweet and sour and hot mustard.
• There is a chance that you could end up getting a burger that actually looks like it does in the advertisements, which is the equivalent of winning the fast food lottery.
• Chicken McNuggets
• You don’t have to worry about getting all dressed up like a functional human being to go get some food, you can just roll up in your Snuggie and eat like the resentful hermit you are.
• If you have a car, you can roll up to the drive-thru and get your 4,000-calorie meal handed to you without even having to put on shoes.
• Limitless straws and napkins, a privilege you are all too ready to abuse.
• A decent chance that you will get scalding hot fries, the most punishingly beautiful sensation the body can experience.
• You can once again have the great existential conversation with yourself about whether or not you should get a McFlurry, only to ultimately decide against a McFlurry, except when you’re super duper stoned.
• The ability to quench a craving for McDonald’s, a craving that we all know can be cured by nothing other than extravagant quantities of piping-hot McD’s applied directly to the mouth.
• A soda the size of your head.
• Being able to, through your choice of dining establishment, fully embody everything that is real and honest about the phrase “YOLO.”

Cons

• Immediately hating yourself afterward with the fire of a thousand suns.
• Looking at the sprawled-out wrappers and greasy boxes of ravaged burgers and nuggets with the same deep sense of disgust with which one views a particularly zesty porn right after orgasm.
• Knowing that you are going to feel generally gross the rest of the day/evening, as your stomach is now distended to twice its normal dimensions with a screeching food baby.
• Eating way more than you intended to eat, even though you secretly knew you were going to eat absurd amounts of food.
• Realizing that you are indeed eating a box of chicken nuggets barefoot in your car in the rain while strangers look in at you through the window and wondering what that implies about your life.
• Being just another faceless sack of flesh in a Snuggie like all of the other plebes that frequent your local McD’s.
• A decent chance you will get cold, soggy fries, also known as the most cruelly disappointing sensation the body can experience.
• Having to lie about where you went to lunch.
• Fluorescent lights.
• The moment where you have to psych yourself up by promising yourself that you’ll never eat this crap again, even though you know, deep down, that you’ll totally be here the next time you have a little too much to drink on a Saturday night.