18 Tips For Drinking Alone

1. Apparently, drinking alone is one of the warning signs of both alcoholism and depression. Hey, go tell it to Hemingway, dweeb.

2. Speaking of our friend Ernest, we’re not talking about a wine with dinner here. We’re talking serious drinking. Hemingway once said, “I drink to make other people more interesting.” Well, when you drink alone, you make yourself more interesting!

3. Don’t worry about justifying it to other people. They’ll probably assume that you’re depressed (which you are, but whatever) and you’ll have to spend a lot of time convincing them not to worry about you. I’ve found that repeatedly stating, “I’m not depressed, I’ve just realized that parties are more fun without other people!” is not an effective reassurance.

4. Socially acceptable excuses include: “I downed a few beers while I had the game on,” “I thought I was meeting up with my friends later at the bar,” or “My girlfriend just broke up with me.”

5. Not so socially acceptable reasons include: “I like to drink a bottle of rum while I stare blankly at the fish tank for a few hours,” “My roommate accidentally scratched my Weekend at Bernie’s II DVD,” or “My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m always drinking alone.”

6. You’ll have to come up with a decent alibi when people ask what you did on Saturday night. “Oh, I was so exhausted, I just passed right out at 10,” sounds a lot better than, “I did Edward Fortyhands by myself while watching Edward Scissorhands by myself. In my inebriated and non-dexterous state, I got trapped in the bathroom and had to chew my way through the duct tape.”

7. If you decide to tell people about it, keep in mind that they’ll probably keep a close eye on you for the next few weeks. They don’t want to be quoted in a future newspaper article as saying, “Looking back, it was so obvious. He kept making these desperate cries for help, and we just pretended not to notice.”

8. However, if you’re planning on going on a serious solitary bender it might be a good idea to tell others, just like mountain climbers and hikers should alert friends and family in advance of the trails they take or the mountains they scale. This way people will know where to look if you don’t show up to work for a week.

9. Do not drink alone if you are within a 5-mile radius of a McDonald’s, Domino’s, White Castle, or KFC. Do not drink alone if you are within a 40-mile radius of a Taco Bell.

10. Don’t attempt to watch a movie you’ve been dying to see or read a great book while drinking alone. You’ll probably forget major plot points and you’ll have no one to check your questionable memories with the next day. For instance, I just discovered that 300, which I’ve only seen drunk and alone, is not, in fact, a bowling movie.

11. On the other hand, this is a great time to watch some of the stuff that no one else ever wants to watch with you. So go ahead and get started on that Saved by the Bell: The College Years marathon.

12. If you’re drinking alone, it’s probably for a good reason — if there was anybody you wanted to drink with, you would’ve invited them beforehand. So don’t try texting your ex-girlfriend “sup?” at 3:14 a.m. Unfortunately, your judgment can’t be trusted at this point.

13. Stay away from Twitter, Facebook, e-mail, etc. “drrunkin alone, whtever IM NOT CRYING OKAY. BIG GIRLS DONT CRY” is not a good tweet, especially if you are a grown man.

14. Sure, bust out that high school yearbook! The repressed memories are flowing now, baby! LET’S RELIVE THOSE FOUR YEARS OF AWKWARD SHAME! YEAH!

15. Don’t drink excessively in the tub. I mean, it’s awesome, but it also sounds like the premise of a really bad Final Destination scene.

16. Don’t go outside. You’re obviously going through some weird shit right now, and the best way to handle it is to bury it deep down inside and smother it with sweet, sweet alcohol. Going outside only invites other people into the miserable sideshow that is your life.

17. If you’re gonna watch porn, it might be a good idea to pick it out ahead of time or else you might end up watching that hentai stuff with the tentacles.

18. Engaging in drinking activities usually done in groups (i.e. power hour, drinking card game, or that game where you take a shot every time a Full House character makes a demeaning comment towards Kimmy Gibbler) might seem extremely sad and pathetic to do alone. But hey, you’ve already shown casual apathy regarding other societal norms, so why draw the line here? Go ahead and play Solitaire Beer Pong. Remember, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, it doesn’t have to do that awkward thing where it stands back up and looks around to see if anyone was watching.