‘Weapons’ Vs. ‘Barbarian’: Which One Wins The Ultimate Film Showdown?

Writer-director Zach Cregger has finally released Weapons, his much-anticipated follow-up to Barbarian, and his fans have thanked him with big numbers.

The film pulled $42.5 million at the box office, making it one of the bigger box office stories of the year, just as Barbarian made headlines in 2022 for becoming a sleeper hit. It’s almost as if audiences appreciate original concepts and characters. 

Now, I would never pit two creators against each other in a skewed appraisal of their unique strengths and talents. That would be sensational and specious. On the other hand, I have absolutely no qualms about pitting a creator against himself, and to that end, I will now employ arbitrarily selected criteria to determine if Weapons is a better movie than Barbarian, nay, every movie ever made. For science.

*Spoilers for both movies ahead!*

Criterion #1: Twistiness

The evidence: Barbarian pulls out the rug fairly early on, ending Act One with the reveal that it is not, in fact, about a possibly predatory Airbnb guest, but about a deranged and deformed she-beast with exactly three hairs on her head and a propensity to murder people while braless. While the story takes some sharp turns afterwards, this remains the movie’s major twist.

Weapons, on the other hand, has several twists: The reveal of the children in the basement; the reveal of Aunt Gladys’s nefarious intentions; the reveal that Alex’s bully is a victim of Gladys; etc etc. Fans of Barbarian already knew going into Weapons that it would keep them on their toes, but it still managed to one-up them. 

The winner: Weapons

Criterion #2: Absurdity

The evidence: How to match the absurdity of Justin Long breastfeeding from the deformed teat of an illiterate, mutated murder-succubus as she mutters, “Buh buhhhhh?” As it turns out, you can match that energy by having a raging horde of murderous nine-year-olds burst through fences, windows, and common decency to disembowel an evil, hobbling grandma-witch. 

The winner: It’s a tie!  

Criterion #3: Frightfulness

The evidence: Barbarian ratchets up its tension and mystery even before revealing the deformed Mother. This is partly thanks to its committed actors, but also due to Zach Cregger’s staging and sound design. It serves up plenty of jump scares, some better than others, after that. Meanwhile, Weapons maintains suspense early on by shifting between each character, guiding each of them into a hairy situation before suddenly moving on to another perspective. However, once the mystery unfolds, Weapons becomes more of a thriller than a horror.

The winner: Another tie 

Criterion #4: Format 

The evidence: Both Barbarian and Weapons tell their stories using several different POV characters. When Barbarian suddenly shifts to Justin Long’s character halfway through the movie, it gives the audience a breather while allowing his character to uncover the movie’s remaining twists. Weapons, though, unfolds via six different characters’ perspectives, leaving space for more cliffhangers as it jumps from each frightening event to each new set of eyes. That said, there are a few times when this works against the movie, hampering momentum even as it heightens suspense.

The winner: Barbarian 

Criterion #5: Scope

The evidence: Both movies are thematically ambitious. Barbarian spans decades to tell a story about entitlement, inequality, trauma, and misogyny. It even manages to get in jabs at police inaction and the systematic failures that have affected Detroit for better or for worse. Weapons goes even further. By mobilizing six characters for its narrative, it explores grief, trauma, misinformation, loneliness, police corruption, revenge, and even the intricacies of America’s educational system. It creates a fuller picture of a community and, in doing so, assembles a sprawling patchwork of Americana.

The winner: Weapons

Criterion #6: Use of Justin Long

The evidence: As I have mentioned before, Justin Long breastfeeds from a deformed teat in Barbarian, whereas in Weapons he merely lets Josh Brolin into his home and then watches him measure things.

The winner: Barbarian

And the winner is…

Well, for those keeping track, you may have noticed that Barbarian and Weapons are currently tied. But wait … There’s a twist! The criteria were secretly weighted all along, and since Criterion #6 (“Use of Justin Long”) was less important than Criterion #5 (“Scope”) … Weapons is the better movie! 

Sorry, Justin Long, but your teat moment just didn’t stack up to the singular, sweeping statement that Weapons made as it scared our butts off. But don’t worry: You’ll probably be in Zach Cregger’s next movie, which we anxiously await, and you’ll do something extra disturbing in that movie, I’m sure!