Why Men Disappear Even When They Want You

For the most part, a man disappearing or withdrawing attention from you after showing extreme interest and attraction sends a mixed signal but a clear one: they are not the one for you. Are there cases, however, where there are deeper reasons at play than no longer being interested?  Without falling into any trap of rationalization or trying to pursue this type of person further, here are some valid reasons a man may withdraw even when they are actually interested, according to a researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy. 

They possess narcissistic tendencies and like to play mind games. 

It is easy to claim that any man who disappears is simply not that into you, but we know that people with narcissistic tendencies who weaponize manipulation tactics operate differently. These types can indeed be very “into” you as they love bomb you and shower you with excessive attention, praise, and interest, developing a hyperfixation on you as their latest romantic prospect and target of obsession. However, much like pick-up artists, narcissists tend to withdraw and disappear as soon as they sense they’ve gotten you sufficiently invested in them. They make you the center of their world temporarily so they can compel you to center them and reciprocate, only to suddenly withhold affection to maintain power and control over you. After they’ve gotten your interest, they want you to pursue them. This is all part of a mind game known as intermittent reinforcement, and research indicates this hot and cold behavior can get you even more attached and addicted to them. As they attempt to lower your perceived value by giving you less attention over time after putting you on the pedestal, they expect that you will work that much harder to get back on it. 

Avoidant attachment style or severe emotional unavailability. 

Many times, you should not prematurely excuse a man’s withdrawing behavior as evidence of emotional unavailability or as an avoidant attachment style, because even someone with avoidant and emotionally unavailable tendencies can find ways to navigate their habits to pursue someone they’re deeply interested in. Nevertheless, if you are dealing with someone who fears vulnerability and love or is still struggling to heal from a past relationship, there are rare cases where the person you’re dealing with may disappear if they feel the relationship is too demanding on their emotional bandwidth and challenges their willingness to develop close bonds. Someone with an avoidant attachment style can opt out of relationships even with people they are interested in because they sense you are expecting more from them, and they know they cannot give the same amount of attention and closeness you desire. However, you should be cautious not to mistake someone who is narcissistic as “just avoidant,” and you shouldn’t automatically label someone as avoidant if you feel the case has more to do with a lack of long-term interest in a future with you. 

You trigger misogynistic beliefs in them and they’re not willing to do the inner work to realize they are the problem. 

While this factor isn’t often considered, it should be because it is likely what is occurring in many cases, especially if you are a desirable, successful, and high-achieving woman, or a woman with boundaries and standards in general. Men with misogynistic beliefs and attitudes are unfortunately prevalent in the dating pool, and this is a primary reason why many women are opting to remain single and leaving the dating world en masse. Part of these misogynistic beliefs include the resentment some men may hold toward successful women, smart women, women who are funnier, more personable, and more well-loved than them or women who are considered more conventionally desirable in society than they are — or all of the above. The tendency for men on average to withdraw from women they perceive to have outsmarted them even though they find those women physically attractive, for example, has been noted multiple times in a wealth of research. In fact, researchers surmise that men who feel threatened by a woman’s intelligence even when they are initially physically attracted to her may rationalize his true emotions by making up excuses that attribute his sudden withdrawal to fabricated faults in the woman that don’t exist, rather than owning up to their shortcomings and insecurities. For example, they may call that woman domineering when she is anything but just because she has a higher-paying career or is smarter on average, to justify withdrawing from her even though the real reason is that they feel threatened. If you outearn the men you’re dating or are perceived to be more intelligent than them, you may just in fact run into men who place their ego over their interest and disappear to protect their own ego. This has little to do with their actual initial desire for you and more to do with social conditioning and an unwillingness to reevaluate discriminatory attitudes toward women. 

They sense you’re out of their league and they’re afraid of rejection, so they reject you first preemptively. 

This is another reason you should not cling to automatically when a man disappears because even the men afraid of rejection still “bat” out of the league of women they perceive to be their “dream woman” and overcome this fear to pursue women they’re genuinely interested in. However, in rarer cases, someone may have such a high fear of rejection that their automatic habit is to reject women before those women can reject them first. While it doesn’t always happen, it is definitely a possibility in some cases, especially if the person also has vulnerable narcissistic traits that make them more hypersensitive to rejection. If they are being deliberately manipulative, these types of men may even ghost you in hopes that you start chasing them, only to come back around to pursue you again.

You have high standards and expectations for your relationships, and they sense they can’t trample over your boundaries. 

Although some men will happily marry someone with porous boundaries and use them to exploit them, others can identify when a woman won’t be putting up with their manipulation or mistreatment quite easily. If you give off the attitude that you regularly hold people accountable and present healthy consequences to those who mistreat you, men and people in general may not want to risk having a relationship with you because they know there are other women who will put up with more just to expect and receive less in return. This is a good strong quality to have to filter out toxic people in the dating world. If you are causing toxic people to disappear due to this, count yourself lucky to have dodged a bullet.