People Who Seem ‘Moral’ and ‘Mature’ But Are Actually Narcissistic Display These 3 Subtle Behaviors

We all think we know what true maturity is because platitudes have convinced us that there is one way to be mature and moral. In reality, we have likely been conditioned to believe in a distorted and simplified version of morality which has made the average human more susceptible to manipulation, less able to acknowledge nuance and options for empowerment across morally complicated scenarios, and less likely to defend and protect themselves. Narcissistic manipulators may intellectually understand society’s tropes of maturity and morality, but they have a very emotionally shallow understanding of what authentic morality and empathy actually are and lack the willingness, emotional depth, introspection, or compassion to actually practice any kind of beneficial morality or productive maturity in daily life. They prefer to weaponize shallow moral tropes against others to feign moral superiority and to continue to prey on others without consequences. Here are three signs you may be dealing with a person who seems “moral” and “mature” but is actually narcissistic – and what authentic morality and maturity actually look like in contrast. 

They don’t practice what they preach. They promote moral absolutism and morally grandstand without nuance and feign superiority, all while victimizing others with impunity. 

What does an authentically moral and mature person look like? Usually, they’re not living in the world going out of their way to harm, manipulate, covertly demean, underhandedly sabotage, and bully innocent people who never did anything to them or treat them with contempt. They’re not engaging in premeditated and unprovoked aggression. Unless someone has harmed them, they’re usually too busy living their lives authentically and true to who they are to ever try to harm someone deliberately. They’re minding their own business and they’re certainly not bragging to people how moral and mature they are on a daily basis or putting others down for not being seemingly “mature” enough. Narcissists operate differently. The blatant discrepancy between a narcissist’s words and actions tells you everything you need to know about their so-called maturity, morality, and emotional “control.” 

You will often see narcissists preemptively morally grandstand by saying things like, “Be the bigger person,” “I would never lie to you,” “You need to be less insecure and controlling,” “I know how to control my emotions, others can’t seem to” “People who talk back are so immature, just walk away,” “Why do you need to hold people accountable? Just make peace.” Yet these are the same dark personality types who habitually take time out of their day to manipulate and belittle people out of malicious envy, pathological deception, and rage. They target, stalk, and harass people they’re jealous of just to “one-up” them, and provoke jealousy on purpose in romantic relationships to gain power and control, according to research. They frequently lash out at others with projections and gaslighting and subject their romantic partners with the silent treatment or stonewalling, much like an adolescent would when they do not get what they want. 

In public, they espouse loyalty, respect, understanding, and compassion, presenting themselves as moral disciples. In private, they are cruel and sadistic to their loved ones.

The reason many people are shocked when they discover a narcissist’s true nature is because most people will never get close enough to see their behavior up close and personal. Romantic partners, family members, friends, or other acquaintances they target out of envy, however, will get a front row seat to how they behave, and thus their accounts should be taken seriously. If you notice people from their past giving you “warnings” about them and there would be no reason for a smear campaign, take heed. These people are often the ones subjected to their rages, manipulation tactics, gaslighting, and underhanded ways of sabotage after all, so they know how morally depraved their actual cruelty is behind closed doors. It’s no wonder that research reveals that the perspectives of loved ones and partners of narcissistic people tend to be the most aligned with expert ratings of the same individual. Basically, both the mental health professionals and psychologists as well as their loved ones agree on their traits! If you want to know who a narcissist truly is beyond their public moral façade, you have to ask those closest to them or those they envy and target with malice. This will give you far more information about their behaviors and traits than their projected public image ever would. 

They uplift and align themselves with other morally depraved perpetrators who harm others, all while projecting a “stellar” reputation in public. Meanwhile, they provoke, shame, and blame people who defend and protect themselves or those who hold people accountable for their actions. 

Notice that the same moral tropes narcissists promote in others also frees perpetrators from being held accountable and victims from gaining justice. It is very convenient to tell someone to be the “bigger person” when you’re the one harming them and the one who instigated chaos in their life. It is rather sadistic to deliberately provoke people, then shame and gaslight them for being “emotional” or “immature” when they finally react (even if they react in the calmest way possible after numerous transgressions, narcissists will still pathologize the emotions of others to try to depict their partners as unhinged). Yet narcissists will form alliances with some of the worst criminals and predators in the world, all while shaming and silencing empathic people who stand up for themselves against mistreatment and injustice. They may even encourage spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity in victims while doing so to prevent them from speaking out or defending themselves. 

These alliances with like-minded perpetrators help them commit their own crimes with more impunity and support behind closed doors, all while projecting a morally pristine image to the world. This is neither moral nor mature, it is enabling and predatory, and it prevents people from taking responsibility for their actions and being met with healthy consequences. If we were looking at the bigger picture, such shaming and blaming of victims who stand up for themselves and continued perpetration also has a harmful effect on the world as a whole. If perpetrators are never held accountable and rarely given any kind of taste of their own medicine, they will learn that others will always turn the other cheek in response to their misbehavior and that they can get away with their behavior without consequences. Thus, their harm of others will continue without repercussions or a second thought. Not exactly the most “moral” way to handle any situation nor the most nuanced. 

What Is Actual Morality, Authenticity, and Maturity?

So what is the truly “mature” approach to such moral conundrums? Authentically moral and mature people often offer a more nuanced strengths-focused approach and perspective that allows survivors of mistreatment many options to respond to injustice and take their power back in safe ways that help them move forward. They do not shame and blame others for wanting justice or for having valid emotional reactions to abuse and mistreatment. They support whatever healthy options help empower those who have been victimized, including different methods that allow them to gain justice, speak their voice, and hold predators accountable to leave a positive impact on not just their own situation but on the world as a whole. 

For authentically moral and mature people, there is a profound acknowledgment that a perpetrator is the one who instigated a problem, and the victim can now choose to protect and defend themselves in different ways based on considerations of their own safety and sense of personal empowerment. Authentically moral and mature people understand that emotional avoidance only strengthens PTSD symptoms according to studies, so they do not invalidate other people’s emotions or hold them up to some arbitrary standard of emotional control. For them, true emotional mastery and control is about treating innocent people consistently with care, respect, and empathy, not about encouraging suppression in people who have been victimized. Emotions like anger are thus honored as functional emotions, not demonized ones, that allow victims to defend themselves in constructive ways. 

Among authentically moral and mature people, there is a profound acknowledgement that there is no one-size-fits all when it comes to how to handle injustice because all circumstances are different and what empowers one survivor may not empower another. This is the type of nuanced and constructive morality, authenticity, and maturity we should all seek to emulate. If you have experienced a relationship with a narcissistic person, you are not alone and you deserve to heal from toxic people.