People With Emotional Mastery Never Do These 5 Things in Relationships (But Narcissists Do)

In a previous article, I discussed what women with emotional mastery tend to do in dating and relationships that draw in high-quality partners. But how do people in general behave when they have emotional mastery, and how does it differ from the ways dark personalities behave in relationships? 

Project their own flaws and shortcomings onto others rather than considering healthy feedback.

A person with emotional mastery is introspective and reflective. They are able take in healthy feedback with a balanced perspective and assess and discern whether it can be incorporated into their lives to benefit not just themselves, but others. They are mindful of the way their actions affect others, especially their romantic partners. A narcissist, on the other hand, prefers to escape responsibility for their actions and pathologize the reactions of their partners to their continued abuse and mistreatment. Rather than considering healthy feedback, they lash out at the messenger in narcissistic rage and malignant projections, painting their romantic partners with the same unsavory traits, behaviors, beliefs, and motives that they themselves possess. They may claim that their partner is “bitter” or “not letting go” when they bring up concerns, or claim their partners are emotionally unstable rather than looking within and evaluating which of their toxic behaviors may be harming others. 

Gaslight and stonewall their partners and not take accountability for creating problems and chaos.

When a healthy, empathic person with emotional mastery is confronted with accountability, they take responsibility for their actions and the impact these actions may have had. They work to correct themselves and navigate problems with more thoughtfulness in the future. A narcissistic person prefers to gaslight their partners into believing they are misinterpreting what occurred, rather than owning up to what they may have done wrong or could do better. They actually create more problems when given feedback, rather than seeking constructive solutions. They shut down what could have been productive discussions about progress or improvement in the relationship and prefer to subject their partners to the silent treatment when such discussions arise. For example, if Gretchen tells Rick she doesn’t appreciate his tone of voice when he speaks condescendingly to her, Rick may double down and begin treating her with even more contempt as a way to punish her, or gaslight her into believing she’s “too sensitive.” He might increase the length of his silent treatment rather than simply trying to be kinder or more compassionate. Whereas most empathic people would feel ashamed of such behavior, narcissists and psychopaths have little empathy or regard for the feelings of others.

Emotionally blackmail you and guilt-trip you during conflicts.

Piggybacking off the last point about doubling down on horrendous behavior, narcissistic and psychopathic partners do not respond to conflicts the way healthy people do. People with emotional mastery know how to strike a delicate balance between being diplomatic and meeting their needs in respectful ways, without violating the boundaries of others – in fact, they often find ways to approach problems in a way where everyone wins! Empathic people will strive to see your perspective even if they disagree with it and find a solution that meets you halfway when it comes to reconciling differences. Narcissistic people, on the other hand, are self-centered and will prioritize their own needs and if there’s a choice between not harming anyone and still benefiting and harming someone and benefiting, they will do the latter just for their own sadistic purposes. Rather than choosing the scenario where everyone benefits, they will deliberately make situations harder for you and will weaponize what they’ve learned about your vulnerabilities against you and threaten to take away whatever matters to you to keep you compliant to their abuse tactics when conflict occurs. For example, if Laura tells her husband Liam that she needs him to pick up the kids so she can attend a job interview but Liam wants to financially isolate her and prevent her from skyrocketing in her career lest she become independent of him, he may refuse to do so and threaten to take away crucial funds to keep her obedient and subservient to him, preventing her from pursuing job opportunities. Or perhaps Brenda threatens her boyfriend David and tells him she will be hanging out with the ex that he’s always been worried about unless David buys her a particular choice of jewelry. These tactics are all about creating an atmosphere of coercive control rather than compromise and conflict resolution to hold power over you. 

Place the burden of their emotional welfare onto you and provoke negative emotions in you.

People with emotional mastery know when to set healthy boundaries with others and how to manage their own emotions with self-care and self-soothing. While they appreciate a mutually nurturing relationship filled with emotional validation and encouragement, they know how to stand on their own and have healthy coping methods for grounding themselves emotionally. When someone does cause emotional turbulence in their life, they are able to call it out assertively while still remaining centered and empowered in who they are, their boundaries, and what they stand for. Narcissistic people make you responsible for their emotions even when you had nothing at all to do with causing them any distress. When a narcissist is irritable, having a terrible day, or even just despises seeing you happy, they will find a way to take it out on you and pick at you to provoke emotional reactions out of you. 

Engage in underhanded sabotage to place you at an unfair disadvantage.

Narcissists view the world from the viewpoint of “winning” and “losing.” That is why they often pull the wool over the eyes of their partners from the beginning, love bombing them with charm and false promises while keeping their true agendas hidden. This places you at a disadvantage naturally because the narcissist is able to dupe you more strongly when you don’t know what they have planned for you or what their true motives are. That is why it is so important to stay vigilant and be aware of wolves in sheep’s clothing.  Narcissists also strive to sabotage their partners by placing barriers in their path when they try to pursue success, happiness, or fulfillment outside of the relationship, and they are also known for trying to upstage their partners if they are envious of them, or ruining birthdays and holidays – occasions where the partner would be highlighted.

 People with emotional mastery, on the other hand, celebrate and encourage their partners and are proud of them. Unlike a narcissist who seeks to compete and “win,” people with emotional mastery know that someone can only “win” fairly in a true meritocracy, which is why they tend to be high achievers who come out on top due to their natural gifts and competence. Underhanded methods to sabotage others only means you had to try to maim the true “winner” and uplift those who otherwise wouldn’t and use sneaky tactics to get ahead. People with emotional mastery have this same sense of strong sense of fairness and justice in relationships, and they recognize the strengths, talents, and achievements of their partners, and are willing to put any pride and jealousy aside to give their partners the recognition they deserve. If you were involved with a narcissist, it was not your fault and you deserve to heal from toxic relationships.