Pick-me women are the “pick me, love me, choose me” Meredith Grey types that are always tolerating red flags — but worse, they shame and discourage other women from having higher standards because misery loves company. Women who are male-centered tend be dangerous to themselves and others (as they can throw other women under the bus for the attention of a man), and it is why it’s important to understand the red flags they tolerate that differ from women with high standards. I use the term “alpha woman” loosely to indicate a high-value woman who does have those standards, and is confident and bold about sticking to them (not to be confused with the misogynistic way “alpha” is weaponized for males). If you have PickMe tendencies, it’s time to reprogram yourself. Here are the five dating red flags you should consider re-evaluating.
Coffee dates or “hike” dates.
Any low-effort date should be avoided especially in the early stages of dating, because women naturally take on higher risks of violence and danger any time they go out on a date with a stranger. For most women in modern romance, dating men is a liability that takes away from their peace and actively places them in danger — yet they are encouraged to go out of their way to meet a stranger for a cup of coffee they could easily make at home or even worse to “go for a walk” with a stranger like a dog. I have dated men who (unbeknownst to me at the time) took me out to lavish restaurants and fancy jazz venues while taking other women to free museums or coffee. If a man wants to take you out for coffee, they’re setting the low standard early on that they don’t want to impress you. They may still focus their “best” most high-quality dates on certain people they do want to impress. Do you really want to be the woman who settles for crumbs? You deserve better. Remember, most men don’t think of coffee dates the way you think they do: they see it as a way to date and even sleep with multiple women without spending as much money or putting in the effort needed to woo you, while concentrating their efforts on women they do want to impress.
Why Do Women Settle For Coffee Dates?
For some women, they assume a coffee date is preferable because it gives them the opportunity to flee quickly should a problem arise. But they forget that if a man wants to verbally abuse you or sexually harass you in some way, it wouldn’t matter if you were in a coffee shop or restaurant, on a hike or a flight to Paris— they would find a way to disappoint or threaten you in any setting, and they can still think you owe them sex regardless! If you’re dealing with an entitled man, he will feel entitled no matter where he takes you. Another comment you regularly hear is, “I don’t want to go through a dinner date with a man I might not like.” Yet you’re still wasting time by getting ready to go get coffee, to a location that may not even be near you, to meet someone who may be treating and spoiling other women to better dates, or using coffee as a way to entertain multiple women for cheap. Why go out with a man you haven’t vetted or chatted with thoroughly enough before agreeing to a date or don’t have enough information to even enjoy going on a date with? What’s the point of wasting this time? If you need to vet them, might as well do a quick FaceTime call through the comfort of your own home to test if you guys would have some chemistry face-to-face – this actually beats the danger of meeting a stranger for coffee without vetting them properly ahead of time while wasting your own time (if he doesn’t turn out to be dangerous, he might still misrepresent his intentions for what he’s looking for).
The “girl best friend.”
In a previous article I talked about the research that shows that men seek out and choose opposite-sex friends for different reasons than women do with their male friends. To sum up the numerous studies, men are more likely to have sexual interest in their female friends, choose female friends based on their attractiveness, and report sex with female friends as a benefit. If you have a nagging feeling that your dating partner’s “girl best friend” is not a truly platonic connection where neither are attracted to each other, please take heed. Avoid men who have harems of friends who are women or a close “girl best friend” they seem to have a shady relationship with. Trust your intuition.
Weaponized incompetence or going 50/50.
Piggybacking off the first red flag, does he claim he’s not good at planning dates and lack initiative? Does he expect princess treatment? Is he a frontrunner of the sassy man apocalypse, where he devalues women and thinks he’s the prize? Is he only excited about women’s empowerment because he wants to coerce you into 50/50 or premature sexual intimacy when he’s barely even courted you yet? Ask yourself why you insist as a PickMe woman on going 50/50 in a world that isn’t yet equal and where women experience a disproportionate amount of violence, are expected to take on the majority of domestic and emotional labor in relationships, are often led on by men who claim they want relationships but are actually seeking to just “hook up” and are subjected to risk life-threatening STIs or pregnancies, all for statistically less pleasure (hello, scientifically researched orgasm gap). With all the burdens women face in the dating world, do you really want to be in a so called “50/50” relationship that actually places even more burden on you? The world isn’t equal yet — real women’s empowerment is about looking at the current sociocultural context and realizing you deserve benefits to help offset the risks and burdens you take on as a woman.
Following or liking lewd accounts on social media.
Pick-me women are rabid defenders of men following or liking other women’s lewd pictures and accounts. They claim they are not “insecure” and that any woman that has an issue with it must be crazy. Yet they’re the ones whose partners are announcing to the world, “Hear ye, hear ye, family and friends! I find this other woman attractive! And this one, and this one! Look at that bikini!” while publicly humiliating their partners. Even (high-quality) men have spoken out on this phenomenon and consider it an insult to the woman; some have said, “I would never want another woman to think someone else has something over my partner.” That’s a respectful man right there. The truth is, the most secure women are the ones who see past their social conditioning of accepting the unacceptable from men and what society has taught them to minimize and stand up to disrespect. If you’re a PickMe woman who shames other women for not tolerating such a glaring red flag, that’s your issue. Women with higher standards thank you for keeping the low-quality men away from them, but we hope you one day wake up and choose better for yourself, as well.
Inconsistent treatment or attempts to make you jealous.
One minute he’s showering you with attention, flattery, praise. The next he’s withholding and withdrawing and pretending to have other women chasing them. Pick-up artists call this the “dread game” and it’s used as a way to neg women that are out of their league and get you to lower your standards. Don’t fall for this trap. You don’t deserve hot and cold behavior or toxic uncertainty. You deserve a partner who’s sure about you. You deserve a man who knows your worth and treats you as irreplaceable.
