What I Wish I Could Have Told You

Around three years ago, I experienced the grief and turmoil that came with losing my best friend. I was in despair and devastation for weeks, and it took a really long time to process the grief that comes with losing the person you thought would be the love of your life. In all honesty, I have to undoubtedly admit that I don’t think I’m over you yet, but life carries on, and like the old adage goes, time will heal all wounds.

In my experience, grief tends to come in waves. On days like today, the ocean is tumultuous, enough to drown and submerge the sailor in a dark and vast ocean. However, you gave me hope that one day the sea will be calm and peaceful again. Even though residues of the pain may still linger with each ebb and flow of the wave, I can’t wait for the pain to be less intense; I can’t wait to live my life carefree and happy again.

To admit we had something substantial and important is an understatement. It was monumental, and a pivotal turning point in my life. You gave me a sense of purpose and belonging in a world which I thought could never accept me. You demonstrated that what I am asking for in a relationship is never too much. I will not and will never insult what we had, because that would invalidate our experiences, and therefore, my memories of us. You were the best out of the best, even though sometimes a forever person isn’t made to stay in your life forever, too.

I wish I could have told you how much you meant to me. I wish I could have reminded you of something so simple: You are loved by family, friends, and even strangers.

And I know it’s cliché, but it’s the truth. You have been loved your entire life. I’ve seen your emotional history, I know you’ve been abandoned. I know you’ve been broken to the core, and I see your battle scars. But I also see your brave attempts to keep going despite the loneliness and the sadness that comes with the endless, racing thoughts inside your head. And yet, you have always had people who you could have relied on. You have always had people who you could reach out to and who cared about you.

My god, you have been loved so truly, madly, and deeply.

And I sometimes wish I could have been that person to remind you forever, to tell you that you are so strong for trying. You were a fighter who fought the good fight and never gave up on your dreams. But not all stories end with a happy ending, and I’ve finally been able to come to terms with that.

Wherever you are, as long as you’re happy, I’ll be happy too.