You Wanna Know What Men Like In Bed?

Yesterday, I was talking on the phone with my nephew. He told me he was watching Rush Hour 2. And he asked me if I’d take him to an Asian massage parlor. I tried really hard not to laugh. I totally wasn’t expecting him to ask that because my nephew’s in elementary school.

The last thing any boy needs is for an adult to laugh at his interest in sex. And I like for him to feel comfortable asking me anything. But an Asian massage parlor? Whatta ya say to that? Since he’s a little kid I didn’t feel the need to tell him all about massage parlors and the horrors of global sex trafficking. Instead, I told him the police don’t like it when adults take little boys to massage parlors. I explained that we have laws against that sort of stuff. And judges take those laws seriously, even if the little boy goes to the massage parlor with his uncle.

He’s a bright kid, so he immediately thought of a way to overcome this minor legal speed bump. He told me he could pretend to be an English midget. If anyone asked, he’d tell them he fought in the war. I nearly lost it. I felt badly about it but I laughed out loud. I thought: A horny English little person who fought in the war? Where does he come up with this shit?

He told me not to laugh at his dreams. And then asked if we could go to a massage parlor the next time he visited California. He was sure his English accent would work. I kept laughing. Rather than ask him what war or why an English little person, I asked him what he’d do in a massage parlor if they believed he was a veteran and let him in. He said he would… just be in heaven.

At this point I was curious what all he knew. I asked what he thought went on inside of massage parlors. He said he didn’t exactly know but he thought we could sing songs as we got massaged. I asked what songs we’d sing. He said Aretha Franklin songs. And he started to sing one. I had to tell him he was singing, “I Will Survive” by Donna Summer. He said he didn’t know who it was since he only ever heard the song in the movie, The Replacements. Clearly, this boy was learning way more from movies than he was from school.

To prove his plan would work he gave me a sample of his Russell Brand-inspired English accent. I had to tell him he sounded more like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire than Katy Perry’s ex-husband. He told me not to crush his dream. He was gonna find a way into an Asian massage parlor. He just needed a little help.

I had to laugh again at the little horn-ball’s dream. In many ways, I was proud of my nephew. He’d joined the club. He’s now, officially, a guy.

As boys we all start out with these ridiculous sex fantasies. You can’t blame us. We start out as horny little bastards because we get overwhelmed by our biology. We desire sex even when we don’t know what it is. I remember how it felt when my body craved satisfaction from this new unknown. And once you feel this need, most guys never lose it.

Once, while people-watching with my grandfather, my sister was shocked to see him take an interest in a sexy young woman who walked past. When she called him on it, he said, “I’ll stop looking when I’m dead.” Apparently, our sexual impulses never go away. Sure, some dudes don’t really crave sex as much as they once did, but those guys are married. (I’m just kidding, married people.)

Marriage doesn’t really kill a man’s sex drive. If it did we wouldn’t see all these married men in the news who ruin their careers, relationships, reputations and whatever else matters just to get a taste of some forbidden flesh. Yes, I’m looking at you, Carlos Danger. Apparently, sex is, and will always be, a lifelong preoccupation for men, whether they’re having it or not. But beyond the ego stroke of feeling desired, appreciated and powerful, what motivates male sexuality? What makes a man jump in bed?

I don’t feel a hundred-percent comfortable speaking for a gay man’s sexuality, since that’s not my experience. But going off what my gay male friends tell me, sex all sounds pretty much the same, if you just swap out some body parts. So, I do feel comfortable saying ALL men want and need sex (except, obviously, the asexuals out there- I don’t know what they want, so we’ll leave them out).

If you stick your hand in ice water you’ll feel cold, and if a guy sticks his dick in another person’s body, most of the time, he’ll feel good. But that doesn’t answer the question: What do men like in bed? Short answer: EVERYTHING.

Some people like to say, when it comes to sex, men are like dogs. I’d say that’s giving men far too much credit. And it’s really unfair to dogs. Men are far simpler. We may not hump any leg we see, but we’re not much more advanced than dogs. We’re just better socialized. Yet, we’re still a horny animal.

If you wanna know what men like in bed, the answer is deceptively easy. When it comes to arousal, you can find a man who likes ANYTHING you can imagine. We like it ALL! Men are the IRL version of the internet’s Rule #34. There is no normal and there is no standard. There are only the limits of the imagination.

What we guys want and desire is different. For instance, somewhere out there is a man who wants to rub his dick in your hair while you film him in a mirror. Most guys don’t want that, but somewhere there is a guy who wants exactly that. Although this example doesn’t quite suggest it, even that dude is a simple creature.

When you consider all the men out there, you’ll find our tastes fill the spectrum. We are simple, but collectively, we’re complex. Men are like Elvis impersonators. We’re all the same but yet so damn different. In this way, we’re no different than women, but we don’t get credit for this. Women are assumed to be sexually unique, while men are considered simple sexual creatures. This thinking is, of course, wrong. Men are just as varied as women and snowflakes.

We develop our sexual tastes very early, long before we know what sex is. Looking back, I’ve known guys who knew they were gay when they were seven, eight, ten, way before they reached adolescence. And I remember wanting to feel boobs when I was five, in fact, I used to come up with ways to make that happen, knowing that no adult would assume I was having sexual thoughts. I might’ve been grossed-out if someone graphically explained sex to me when I was five, but I knew its appeal.

In those years before sex makes sense, this is when we acquire our life-long tastes. In those moments when our nature rubs up against the effect of how we’re nurtured, our desires get set, and continue to be shaped through adolescence. This is what provides us our variety.

Yes, some men like a finger in their butt, and some guys hate blowjobs (why, I have no idea), some guys love small boobs, some guys like a generous butt, some men are leg men, and some men like a flat stomach. From what I can tell there is not a single body part that isn’t coveted.

For instance, I have a friend who worked at a shoe store in high school. Some of us used to tease him about his foot fetish. I mean, does anyone other than a foot fetishist even try to get a job in a woman’s shoe store? He once told me he knew in kindergarten. Before he could write his name he knew feet made him feel funny in a good way.

Another guy I know was heavy all through junior high and high school. When I met him in college, he saw how I ate and asked me for help losing weight. I suggested vegetarianism and daily exercise. He followed this plan and dramatically lost weight all through his early twenties. He even became a model for a little while. Suddenly, he could get most any woman he wanted. But he remained bitter they’d overlooked him all those years. He never said this, but his porn habits suggest it, thanks to being heavy when he was young, he will always likes women who look like the teen girls, the ones he lusted after but never got to touch. A developmental hole that formed in his adolescence, and his lack of sexual interaction with age-appropriate girls can never be filled, yet to this day, he still tries. He dates women who look like girls. Which is sooo not sexual to me. But I don’t judge him for it. He may have lost the weight but he never lost his teenage sexual appetite because he never got to express it.

Thanks to the variety of our experiences and natural inclinations, men have a wide and varied sexuality. Not every guy likes small waists, big tits, and a bubble butt- or if you’re gay, it doesn’t mean every guy likes broad shoulders, six-pack abs and a huge dick.

Whatever you look like, whatever you’re self-conscious about, somewhere there is a guy who finds you absolutely sexy. It’s true. Not to pick on anyone but there are guys who will pay good money for a morbidly obese woman to sit on their face and crush them until they signal they need air. Men may be simple, but our tastes are wildly varied. It’s foolish to expect two men to be similar when it comes to sex.

The only rule that seems true for men is: Attitude is the key to sexual behavior. Pay attention to how he relishes new experiences. Check how much he savors whatever it is he enjoys. Even if it’s just a minor everyday experience like eating appetizers when you dine out. This will tell you almost all you need to know about a man’s approach to sex. Other than that, be prepared to be surprised. And beware of a man who never smiles when he eats. Most likely he’ll be bad in bed.

Before I hung up, my nephew said to me, “I like you because you think I can wait until I’m eighteen. Dude, sometimes you have to break the rules if you want to live the dream.” I laughed at his borrowed wisdom. I had told him that and now he was throwing it back at me. As I chuckled, he told me visiting an Asian massage parlor wasn’t a fantasy… these were his plans. I didn’t want to deny him and have him turn massage parlors into some forbidden taste he’d always crave, so I told him he just had to wait. Although I agree there are times and places to bend and break rules, I told him when it comes to sex, that’s usually not the case. I tried to cheer him up, so I told him this just meant he had time to work on his English accent.

What I didn’t tell him and what I’ll tell you is, when it comes to sex men like it ALL.

If you’re a dude who wants to pour hot sauce on a woman’s ass and lick it off, don’t feel weird for what you desire. Just find a partner who’s into that. And if you’re someone who likes to fuck men, trust me, there are plenty of dudes out there who desire someone just like you, whatever you look like. The only trick is finding them. So guy or girl, be honest with yourself. There is no norm when it comes to sex. If you don’t believe me, just ask Hot 97 radio personality, DJ Mister Cee.

One final thought on male sexuality. It comes from notorious sleaze-ball genius, Woody Allen. In his film Deconstructing Harry, his thinly-veiled main character describes his thought process when it comes to women and sex:

“I think of fucking every woman I meet. I meet a woman in the bank… or on the bus… I think: What’s she look like naked? Can I fuck her?”

Keep in mind those were the words of a 70-something year old man. Like I said, men are simple. We want to fuck. Only our tastes are different.