We live in a society that’s always selling sex, pushing it at you in strange places like in advertisements for car insurance. If you watch sports, you know, every other ad seems to be for pecker pills, drugs with silly names that’ll make your dick stiff. And for women it seems every magazine cover promises to teach you the secrets of how to make your man happier in the bedroom… or how and why you single women should be friendly with your vibrator. Advertisers and editors and sales-force teams all seem to love sex more than the Marquis de Sade.
The thing is… they’re not wrong. Sex is awesome. It’s so powerful it’ll make you buy shit you don’t need. That’s why they’re using it against you. Using it to scare you. They want you to believe you’re doing it all wrong, you’re not doing it enough, everyone’s doing it but you. They’re fucking with you when they sell sex.
Consequently, we remain strangely uncomfortable with sex. It’s all over pop culture, yet we have weird attitudes about it. Girlfriends chat about it. Dudes brag about it. But we never really talk about it in any substantive way. And Americans are less mature about sex than most every other country in the world. We’re afraid of it. And I think the reason is, we love sex, but we’re intimidated by orgasms.
Men in America only recently learned how to find a clitoris or the G-spot. Even in the 90s most American men weren’t yet on a first-name basis with the clitoris. They don’t like to say the word in mixed company. It sounds like a challenge. And from what I hear, foreplay is something straight men perform begrudgingly and usually without much imagination. Which makes me curious about how much foreplay is expected in gay male sex.
Sadly, American women are plagued with psychological barriers to enjoying orgasms. Numerous studies show that around 15% of women have never experienced an orgasm and nearly 50% experience infrequent orgasms. Doctors will point out how 99% of women are physically capable of orgasms but they become psychologically incapable. Women often experience anxiety about sex, especially receiving oral sex. It seems like most women have self-conscious fears about the moist and fragrant world beneath their beltline.
For the record, any guy who gets to put his face in your special space… he’s lucky! If some dude makes you feel bad about your vagina then he’s an asshole. Or he’s immature and intimidated by anything with any sense of mystery and earthiness. So get rid of him and find someone who will eat you out like you have a five-star restaurant between your thighs.
The real question is: Why are we all so sexually uncomfortable — why do we act like adolescents who want sex but are equally afraid of it?
You can’t entirely blame your parents because I doubt they talked with you much about sex. And they probably don’t know much either. The one to blame has to be our culture in general. If it’s our shared culture that makes us so hung-up on sex… then we need to change our culture.
I have a simple plan. We focus on orgasms and we’ll work our way out from there.
We need to talk about what we like. What we don’t like. What we know. Ask questions about what we don’t know. We don’t need to be “grossed out” by any aspect of sex. When I’ve told women I was sleeping with that I’m not afraid of period blood and we could still have sex, and that I’d just change the sheets and we could shower together afterwards, the women looked at me with the same shock they might experience if I said I like to eat dogshit dipped in chocolate sauce. I always thought what’s the big deal?
With my last girlfriend, I came up with a cute euphemism so I didn’t have to say the words blood or period, because they made her feel “icky.” So I said I didn’t care about getting “rusty.” I knew she wanted to have sex but she didn’t want me to be all “grossed-out.” Ha! I had to explain, I’d cut myself before. I knew what blood looked like. I knew she had some in her body, too. And I desired her. I wanted to have sex. To me the period blood was no different than saliva or sweat or earwax. It’s a bodily fluid. Big deal. Eventually, she relaxed. And we often had our best sex when we got “rusty” because she was on her moon.
So… let’s talk frankly a moment about orgasms. We all have them. We all like them. Even people without genitals can experience them. Dead bodies can have them if you tap the right nerve. Babies in utero have been seen masturbating, or doing what clearly appears to be masturbation. We’re hardwired for orgasms. If you’re curious for some solid science on orgasms, check out Mary Roach’s TED talk “10 Things You Didn’t Know About Orgasms.” It’s pretty funny.
Modern science is finding orgasms are great for our health. They make us look ten years younger, feel better physically and psychologically, they stabilize our hormones, they make our hair and skin look healthy, they relieve tension and help you lose weight… the list goes on and on.
So… I recommend at least an orgasm-a-day. More if you have more time.
I’m sure some of you are thinking “I don’t like societal pressure to have sex.” And I agree. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad. I’m advocating you feel good… so if you prefer, masturbate. Even when you have no partner, make a little time for an orgasm.
Pleasuring yourself is a good habit because it subtly tells you you’re worth it. And you exercise your creativity and imagination. You’re taking some time for you. It’s like yoga you don’t have to pay or travel for. Not that I’m saying give up yoga for orgasms. Just add an orgasm to your routine. And apparently for women, there’s something called “yogasms.” Look into it. Something about Kegel exercises and Downward Dog.
As for you asexual people who may not like my full-throated song of appreciation for all things orgasmic, I don’t want to make you feel bad or excluded. I understand you don’t feel sexual stimulation plays an important part in your life. And I get where you’re coming from… well, kinda. I’ve read a bunch of your online forums to understand your worldview. As you can probably tell sex and orgasms are pretty important to me and have been for as long as I can remember.
A little background… when I was six and went to an afterschool program, I used to pretend I was injured. Almost daily. And I did it because one of the women who watched us had enormous breasts. I loved to press my head against her chest, and the truth is, I’d cop a feel. I knew that she’d never suspect a 6-year-old of having sexual thoughts and my cute innocent face could hide my interest in her breasts. I knew if I squeezed her boobs, to her, it was harmless because I was a kid. I know… it’s embarrassing. A 6-year-old cuddle-molesting a grown woman. It’s so backwards I don’t even know what to think.
My point is, for those of you who are asexual, I totally don’t get how you live that way. But I respect you and where you’re coming from. And I would never recommend you do something you don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable doing, so if you want to live without a daily orgasm. I get it. And that’s the last we’ll speak of it.
For the rest of you, do yourself a favor and make sure you get off at least once a day. Trust me, it’s good for you. If you need a little help, or perhaps some inspiration, check out beautifulagony.com.
It’s a website entirely dedicated to the faces of orgasms. It’s guys and girls. It’s totally tasteful. No nudity. Just the face of a person as they masturbate or are pleasured into reaching an orgasm. It’s… pretty awesome.
…That’s all I ask. You’re doing it for you… and for me… and for our whole society.
If we start by making sure we each have an orgasm-a-day, we subtly tell ourselves we have value. We deserve it. We don’t need to buy anything to make ourselves feel good and worthwhile. We just pleasure ourselves. And then, if we value and pleasure ourselves, maybe over time we can shift our valuing-and-pleasuring to others. And that’ll lead to better sex. And then from better sex, we can enjoy better relationships and communication. And with better communication we can talk more openly and frankly about the world we share. And by doing that we can value our world, and seek pleasure in our world, and make sure others do the same. You see where I’m going with this.
One by one, your orgasms will help build a better future.
So do it for you… for me… for all of us.
Now go pleasure yourself!