Dating is basically pretending to be somebody you’re not (or at least a slightly better, more charming version of yourself) until the person likes you enough so you can finally show them who you really are; and the first date is no exception.

Nothing ruins a good first date like getting drunk and crying over your ex. Trust me—I’ve been there! So before you head out the door to meet your potential Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now), think about what you SHOULDN’T say and leave the following comments at the door.

Below are 55 things you shouldn’t say on a first date. (Spoiler alert: I’ve said like half of them but I’m hilarious so I can pull it off. I think.)

1.
I can’t wait to get pregnant.

2.
Who’s Amanda? I noticed you liked her pics before this date. So do you love her???

3.
I just gotta warn you that if I act a little mean its only because mercury is currently in retrograde but you should be fine because you’re a Leo with Scorpio rising and Cancer moon so you’re probably already a terrible person so we should totally get along! Okay guilty, I found your mom on facebook and asked her for your birthday information but aren’t you glad I did!?!? So what are we drinking?

4.
You look familiar… did we already fuck? Oh wait I think I know your brother!!!

5.
I love you. Too soon?

6.
Sorry, I may have to take a phone call. I’m waiting on The Bachelor to call me back. Casting was like WEEKS ago.
*starts crying*

7.
Hi, my name is Violet Benson.

8.
Ugh I just got my period and you do not want to see what’s happening down there right now. It’s like a war zone!

9.
Can we wrap this up? I have another date after this.

10.
I’m not really sure what I want. May I interest you in me leading you on for a few months and wasting your time?

11.
I invited my parents to join us. Hope you don’t mind!

12.
Can I borrow some money?

13.
I want to love you.

14.
I’ve been drinking the whole day. I’m hammered.

15.
I’m just trying to make my ex jealous. Wanna take a pic? Do you mind posting it tho?? I don’t wanna seem crazy or desperate LOL.

16.
I’m a vegan.

17.
Oh no I can’t have any wine right now, I’m pregnant. Oh what the hell!!?? One glass won’t kill anyone!

18.
So where do you see us in 5 years?

19.
I have daddy issues.

20.
I’ve got this weird thing on my crotch. Do you mind taking a look and telling me what you think it is?

21.
I feel like *insert terrible person’s name* was just misunderstood.

22.
Sorry I’m late—I had an abortion earlier. So what are we drinking!?!

23.
Boy did I get catfished.

24.
So is your brother/sister seeing anyone?

25.
I think I’m gonna have a cranberry juice. I heard it helps with UTI’s…

26.
So did you delete your tinder yet? I deleted mine but like no pressure…

27.
So, like, what are we?

28.
Can I crash at your place tonight? I’m kinda homeless.

29.
Where do you see this going? I’m about to start ovulating so I kind of need to know where your head is at.

30.
Wow you look a lot better in your pictures. How many years ago were those taken?

31.
You’re too cute to be single. So what’s wrong with you?

32.
Can I borrow your car?

33.
I’m married.

34.
Wanna see my Pinterest page? I already have our whole wedding planned out!! Hahaha.

35.
My ex works here but they have the best sushi.

36.
You look exactly like my ex. You remind me so much of my ex. Wow. Wanna see some pics? I’m not crying, I just have something in my eye.

37.
How many kids do you want? I want at least 3 by the time I’m 30 and considering I’m 28, I don’t have much time left if you catch my drift.

38.
Sorry my boyfriend keeps calling, Let me turn off my phone. Anyway, where were we?

39.
What are you doing 6 months from now? I need a date to my sister’s wedding.

40.
What’s your social security number?

41.
Are you an organ donor? I looked you up and you seem to be very healthy… can we walk by that dark alley after dinner? I’ve got a surprise for you!

42.
Cats make the best pets—that’s why I have 6. Cough cough cough Sorry, cat hair! Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.

43.
Honestly, I kinda have nothing going on right now, so I could really use some extra attention. Like, I’m not really attracted to you, but I figured ya can’t go wrong with some free food and some free attention! Amiriteeeee

44.
Sorry I’m late, the AA meeting took longer than expected. Anyway, what are we drinking!?!

45.
I stalked your entire family on Facebook. I feel like I’ll fit in so well! I took the liberty of inviting your mom. You don’t mind, right?

46.
Were you planning on taking me back to your place tonight? If so, can I borrow your razor? It’s been a long winter.

47.
So let’s cut to the chase. How much money do you make?

48.
Can you take a picture of me eating this pasta? Another one drinking this wine? How about one of me by the door? I feel like you’re not even trying.

49.
Can you just take like 25 more of me looking like I’m having fun? I’m an influencer. This is what I do all day. Okay, less talking and more pictures.

50.
Do you have health insurance? Can I get under your current health plan?

51.
Can I stay the night? Or two? I’m kinda between homes right now.

52.
Our kids would have the cutest smiles.

53.
Damn that laxative is finally kicking in—omg.

54.
Omg the waiter is kinda hot. Will you be my wingman?

55.
I think I just peed myself a little from laughing so hard. I should have worn underwear, dammit.