I know how it feels, sitting there trying to figure out what you could have done differently. Playing scenarios over and over in your head. Analyzing texts, trying to figure out the exact moment things went wrong. Questioning yourself and whether it was all your fault.
I mean, why isn’t your love enough? Why doesn’t this person see how amazing you are and how much you have to offer? Why are you chasing this person just to get back to the way things once were?
When someone breaks your heart, it’s hard to not let it get to you. It’s hard to not to let it bruise your ego. It’s hard to let it go—even if they weren’t right for you and all the signs pointed to that end. Letting go means admitting defeat, and no one likes to do that. It’s our need to feel wanted and loved that makes us hold onto the wrong person for longer than we should.
We’ve all been told: “You’re too good for him!” “He doesn’t deserve you!” “You can do better!” And yet we STILL DON’T LISTEN. You know you’re being treated badly, and that you deserve more. And yet you sit in a pool of denial, staring at your phone, waiting for him to text you back. You tell yourself that if you stick around for long enough and let him walk all over you or play his stupid games, eventually you’ll win.
But the only person who ends up getting hurt is you. The moment you try to prove your worth to someone is the moment you’ve already lost.
For me, it doesn’t matter how long I’ve known someone. If I meet someone and we click, I’m theirs. I forget how hard I’ve been protecting my fragile heart, and how long it took me to piece it back together. And then, just like that, they let me down. It doesn’t matter how strong I am. The minute I let someone in and they end up taking my love for granted, it completely and utterly destroys me.
So I sit there in tears in an empty room like a wounded puppy, surrounded by silence. The voice in my head says, “I told you so!” And then I start to wonder: Was I too much again? Why wasn’t I enough? Is it really that hard to love me? Please stay. I know I can be hard to love, but I’m trying. Please don’t break my heart. It’s been broken so many times, I’m starting not to recognize it anymore…
I then give myself two days to be crazy and cry it out. And no, I’m not talking about those little bitch tears you cry after watching one of those super depressing dog pound commercials. I’m talking about the straight-up Niagara Falls you experience after watching Titanic or Schindler’s List for the first time. I cry till I can’t breathe and I look like I should be admitted into an insane asylum.
On those two days, I completely disconnect myself from the world and break down. I obsess, stalk, feel insecure, stuff my face with carbs and ice cream, scream, shout, and completely hate myself the entire time.
But the next day, no matter how hurt I still am, I let go. I don’t let them see my pain. I don’t reach out. Once I say goodbye, I mean it. At a certain point, I promised myself I’d never go back to anyone who took me for granted, whether we’d dated once or for years. And I’ve kept that promise.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m a Scorpio or if it’s my ego, but the thought of letting someone in—someone I thought was special and worthy—so they can see me at my most vulnerable and then fail to appreciate that, fuels a fire inside me.
There is something about someone breaking me down and making me feel worthless for a moment that makes them nothing to me for a lifetime. I don’t love them. I don’t hate them. I nothing them.
I was magic wrapped in gold but that boy preferred silver. So why should I sit there and be sad over a boy who didn’t know what he wanted? He’s the one that should be sad. After all, he lost me.
I don’t believe in getting even. What I believe is that the best revenge is moving forward—never backwards. If you stick around, you will crash and burn and if you go back to what once broke you, it will destroy you. So take him off that pedestal you put him on, strip him of whatever it is you thought you fell for and really consider his bad qualities, including not realizing what was right in front of him. If that’s not his worst quality, I don’t know what is.
By the time he comes back (TRUST ME, HE WILL! THEY ALWAYS DO!), you won’t even want him anymore. You won’t need him to make you feel whole because you’ll be whole all on your own.
The truth is, love isn’t easy but it’s worth it—especially when it’s with the right person. And when the right person comes along, you’ll say, “Ah, there you are, my missing puzzle piece! Good thing I waited for you…”
This story originally appeared on Daddy Issues LA.