So you dated someone and thought he was the one! Granted, you thought the delivery guy who accidentally grazed your arm as he handed you the pizza was also the one, but that’s beside the point.
If you’re anything like me—someone who obsesses over a hot barista just because they spell your name right several months in a row—you’re probably currently struggling to get over someone you dated, even if you two were only official in your head.
Below are some tips on how to get over someone, no matter how long you actually dated or how serious the relationship was.
STEP 1: CUT OFF ALL COMMUNICATION
After a breakup there is always one person who suggests staying friends. But you can’t move on if the past is lingering nearby.
Delete his number if necessary, unfollow him on all social media platforms if it hurts too much to see him in your feeds, and block his number if you think you’ll end up texting him after 19 tequila shots at happy hour.
And don’t go creating fake accounts and still stalk him after I just told you not to! It’s bad for your health. I’m serious Barbara!
STEP 2: CRY, LIKE, A LOT
You’re like Huh? Do you even know what you’re talking about?
I mean, probably not.
But I believe that you need to cry. You need to connect with your feelings. Cry about why it didn’t work out, cry about how much you wish it had, cry because right now feels like the end of the world because you’re mourning the death of a relationship.
Have a breakdown at the DMV! Cry at Starbucks when they spell your name wrong. Cry at a random wedding that you weren’t even invited to. Cry it out at all the most inappropriate moments because this is your time to let it all out.
Give yourself permission to feel and to cry until you’ve got nothing left to cry about.
Take all the time you need and do not mask your feelings since that will just prolong the process of getting over this 2-day or 2-year relationshit.
STEP 3: GET A HOBBY
The best way to distract yourself is to get busy and get a hobby.
No, stalking all of his social media platforms is NOT a hobby (Seriously Barbra, chill the f*ck out). I don’t know why we look at things we know will hurt us. Maybe some of us are just addicted to the pain and it’s all we know… but wouldn’t it be nice to feel something other than emotional pain for once? I think so!
Is eating a hobby?? Wow, you really don’t know how boring you are until you realize that your only two hobbies are eating and staring at your cat.
All jokes aside try and become obsessed over something new instead of your ex whether it’s a better diet, working out, masturbating, volunteering, your career or a new dick with a side of dick. The options are endless!
For me, writing my feelings down really helped move on along with wine and my cat. Also masturbating and Netflix and chocolate, lots of chocolate.
Ok, I’ll stop.
STEP 4: DON’T REACT TO ANYTHING
This is something I am really bad at—but hey, learn from my mistakes.
So you run into him at a bar and even though he smells like he hasn’t showered in weeks and he’s starting to go bald and you could literally floss your teeth with all that body hair, to you he is the same do-no-wrong angel you fell in love with.
Whatever the reason he’s suddenly on your mind, DO NOT REACT. Do not give him the satisfaction of knowing that you care. You will just invite more heartache by engaging him in any context because then you will have to start the mourning process ALL OVER AGAIN. And trust me, this time WILL NOT BE DIFFERENT. You are over for a reason, you do not need 734 more tries and 1065 embarrassing texts to figure that out!
Do not give into the alcohol or that voice in your vagina telling you that you need him. You DO NOT need him! What you need is some ice cream, a vibrator, and Netflix.
STEP 5: GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE HOUSE
My first instinct after a breakup is to stay home and feel sorry for myself. Unfortunately, that leads me to sit for hours analyzing the relationship and then cry for hours then binge eat then cry again then stalk my “ex” on social media which follows by more tears till I fall asleep with food in my hair.
What you need to do is put something sexy on and force yourself to go out. If clubbing isn’t your thing then just have a girls’ night in and bond with your friends. One big mistake girls make is drop their friends when they get a boyfriend, don’t be that girl. You will regret it.
Being around friends will distract you and help you remember to smile and laugh. You NEED your girlfriends, and you need to remember what it’s like to laugh and be happy.
If you need to laugh but your friends are assholes, there’s always @daddyissues_ on Instagram!
STEP 6: FIND YOURSELF A REBOUND
To be honest, I’ve tried to rebound with another guy before I was ready and ended up getting attached to the rebound dude and then crying over two guys simultaneously, which was super exhausting and terrible for my mental health.
But when I got my cat Pancakes after a breakup, it worked. Pancakes was my rebound! I focused on my cat, my work, my friends, and myself instead of rebounding with another dude.
But if you’re more into getting your pickle tickled then join a dating site like christianmingle.com or glutenfreelovers.com and go out there and get yourself a rebound guy! Let this dude show you what a real orgasm feels like while he bangs all those pesky feelings you’re harboring for your ex right out of your vagina.
But don’t get attached because then you’ll just have to re-read this whole blog again.
STEP 7: FORGIVE YOUR EX
I know this sounds silly, but it’s true: As long as you hold a grudge towards your ex, you won’t be able to move on. Half of the time it’s our ego that isn’t letting us move on. Hating someone takes a lot more energy than you think. It means that you still have strong feelings for this person and that he still has a hold on you.
Now, to be clear, I am not telling you to contact your ex and let him know that you’ve forgiven him! Please don’t do that because you’re just going to end up having sex with him and then you’re going to be like, so what are we? And he’s going to be like, my new girlfriend is about to come home, pat you on the head, thank you for the sex, and send you on your way to Starbucks to break down again.
What I am suggesting is that you forgive him in your head. Realize that the damage has been done and there is nothing anyone can do to repair it. You have to accept the pain he’s caused you and let it go in order to move on.
Working through your feelings towards this person will help you rebuild your identity as someone who can thrive without that guy.
STEP 8: TRUST THAT TIME HEALS
Honestly, this step is probably the hardest since time slows down when you’re heartbroken. I know it’s cliché, but it really is true: Time heals everything! (except herpes).
When I was going through my first breakup, I cried myself to sleep for weeks and every night before bed I would convince myself that I was over him until one day I woke up and I really was over him. I stopped crying and started thinking about him less and less until one day I actually felt nothing when I saw a picture of him.
STEP 9: LOVE YOURSELF
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP.
Heartbreak can really crush your self-esteem and while we’re dealing with the damage of a breakup we sometimes forget to focus on ourselves.
I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and see how beautiful you are. I want you to remember how great you are—that you don’t need anyone else to complete you because you complete yourself.
I want you to become everything you’ve ever wanted to be while you move on from a relationship that wasn’t right for you. I want you to stop being negative and blaming yourself for why it didn’t work out. It was not your fault, you are perfect just the way you are. There was nothing you could have done better, get that thought out of your head.
Once you start focusing on loving yourself, you will begin to attract good energy and the right people will enter your life. When you least expect it, you will find a new love, a better love. But hopefully you will first find it with yourself.
This story originally appeared on Daddy Issues LA.