It will come out of nowhere. One second you’re sitting there, happily watching that Big Bang Theory episode for the tenth time when you take a good, hard look at your life. No, that’s not it. Your stomach. Yeah, that’s it. For the first time in a long time you take a good look at your stomach. I mean sure, it holds your bowl of Lucky Charms really nicely and all but there is definitely a more pronounced slope to it. Well shoot. It’s time to find and dust off that gym pass because you need to exercise.
1. Realization. You can’t remember the last time you exerted more effort than going up and down the stairs in your house and, if Michelle Obama knows anything, that is a real problem.
2. Denial. You don’t need to exercise. You’ll get all sweaty. That’s always unpleasant. And you’ll have to go outside. No one would want that.
3. Serious denial. What you should really do is start eating more. Yeah, you should eat that chocolate cake because obviously you’re meant to be the next Fat Amy and if you didn’t put on weight that name would just become ironic and you’re not hipster enough for that.
4. Reality. Being the next Fat Amy would involve being really funny so that option is out.
5. Fear. There are horror stories all over the place about clogged arteries and heart attacks and all sorts of other medical problems and oh my god you can practically feel your heart straining under that cheeseburger, fries, and chocolate milkshake that you ate.
6. Resignation. You would really rather not die before you turn fifty and besides even that old lady in your neighborhood is out walking every day. It’s just embarrassing that someone as ancient as her is more fit than you are. That is just unacceptable really.
7. Accomplishment. You are at the gym. Look at you. You feel healthier already. This is really going to work out. You’ll be one of those gym rats that you kind of hate and kind of are jealous of in no time.
8. Shock. Oh. This is hard. You’ve only been on the treadmill five minutes and your heart is already pumping. What the hell? This isn’t so easy after all.
9. Revulsion. There is sweat running down your face. Practically pouring down your face really. And your breathing. Holy crap. Are you sure you don’t have asthma? Because these noises from your lungs can’t be normal.
10. Competitiveness. This girl just got on the machine right next to you and put her setting one higher than yours. Well then. You want a race? Bring it on. You increase your level to one more than hers and eye her up and down while doing it. Yeah, that’s right. The race is on.
11. Panic. No. Nope. You cannot run that fast. Oh god you’re dying right now. Turn it down. SLOW DOWN.
12. Bitterness. You win this time, but only because I’m out of practice Ms. Perky as Can Be. Next time though, you’ll see.
13. Relief. You have officially been here for forty-five minutes and have not passed out, died, or gone into cardiac arrest. Sweet, sweet success.
14. Death. A few hours later your try to move and every muscle in your body gives you the finger. And you have to go back tomorrow. Oh no. No no no no no.
15. Hope. The next morning isn’t so bad. You might actually be feeling more energized. Damn, before you know it you are going to be just in shape enough to take another nice, long break from the gym.