Your ‘Hocus Pocus’ Childhood Crush, A Ranking From Least To Most Unhinged
An annual viewing of Hocus Pocus was a Halloween staple for most of us. Whether we were watching it as reruns in the ’90s or our parents were insisting their childhood favorite was retro gold, our hearts were in Salem for the holiday. As you jammed out to “I’ll Put a Spell on You,” you likely had at least one Hocus Pocus crush as a kid. But did your crush make sense, or was it actually weird as hell? Today, we’re ranking Hocus Pocus crushes from normal to totally unhinged. Where do you fall on the spectrum?
Max
Max Dennison, the kid who lit the black flame candle because he was too cool for local traditions. Although looking back he was mostly annoying and thoroughly uncool, he was clearly the character Disney wanted us to have a crush on. The too-cool attitude? The drumming? The love for Allison? If he made you swoon, you’re a little basic, but that’s okay.
Allison
The object of Max’s affection. I think we can all agree that she was a little out of his league. She was sweet, she loved local witchy history, and she lived in a massive house with parents who handed out piles of full-sized candy bars. Allison was pretty and had it all. If you had a crush on Allison, you’re boring but correct.
Jay and/or Ice
The bad boys of Salem, they hang out in graveyards, bully kids, and steal candy from children. Whether it was Jay’s go-getter attitude or Ice’s unmatched style, if you had a crush on these brats then you’re probably still stuck in your bad boy phase.
Thackery Binx
Nothing hits quite like a ghostly Thackery Binx kissing Dani on the cheek before joining his sister in heaven to start a long life of pining for the guy who’s completely untouchable. This would be higher on the list purely for how absolutely correct this crush is, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s a literal colonial ghost.
Sarah Sanderson
Sarah is the hot Sanderson sister, and for good reason. The hair, the makeup, the busty outfit. And singing “Come Little Children” in her beautiful breathy voice? Of course you had a crush on her. You’re the type to go after a woman knowing full well that she’s nothing but trouble, which is fine with you.
Winifred Sanderson
If you had a crush on Winifred, you probably have a thing for cougars to this day. Winnie’s sole focus is to suck the souls out of children, so maybe she has priorities that don’t really mesh with yours. But you can’t deny that she has great hair and a killer voice.
Mary Sanderson
She wasn’t played to be crushed-on, yet here you are, wishing you could be with Mary. It makes sense! She’s the smartest of the sisters and isn’t afraid to be herself. Then again, she’s also great at sniffing out children, which is kind of a weird skill to have in a partner.
Max’s mom in her Madonna costume
She was just a typical mom until she put the cone bra and high Ariana-esque ponytail on, then wowzers. Still, she’s a mom through and through even dressed as Madonna, so there’s something in here that Freud might have a field day with.
The Handsy Bus Driver
Clearly the bus driver has no sense when it comes to beautiful women. The Sanderson sisters are a bunch of weirdos, yet he’s more than happy to flirt with all three of them. If you were crushing on him, you fall for anyone who gives you the tiniest bit of attention. We’ve all been there, babe.
Binx the Cat
There are two types of people: The ones who liked human Thackery and the ones who had a crush on him as a cat. If you’re the latter, you’d probably still agree that crushing on Binx the cat is far down on the bonkers side of this list. It’s a cat! Though, if we’re being honest with ourselves, he had the personality to back it up.
Billy Butcherson
He’s a zombie. Like a literal, dusty zombie with his mouth sewn shut. And yet…there’s something so nice about him. And he ends up joining the kids to fight the Sanderson sisters! Nothing like a nice zombie to give you confusing crush feelings. Yes this is one of my own biggest Hocus Pocus crushes. Is it weird, though? Yes, obviously.
