Trey Salm

My tables are real estate and I’m their slumlord. You know what happens when you don’t pay rent? You get evicted.

Have you seen TLC’s “Scrubs” get played at a bar? You know who knows all the words? EVERY GIRL IN THAT BAR.

One of you may have been the turtle — adding two or three to the bed post every year for the past 10 and the other the hare — wilding out freshmen year in what many describe as a “sexplosion.”

The good news is you can do this naked. In fact, you can do everything naked. Nothing beats cooking naked, getting into bed naked, eating that meal naked, getting up to pee naked, falling asleep naked, and starting the next day in that same naked state.

We all have these stolen quirks. They make up who we are and we can’t help but steal them. My aunt Laura showed me the know-how that real Midwesterners scream obscenities at the opponent and our own team when they suck (which happened a lot growing up in Cleveland.)

Don’t let your friends or coworkers or your Twitter “followers” tell you otherwise. This isn’t the pool. You don’t need your Mommy to tell to wait 30 minutes after eating to swim. Jump on in. You need to find people, places, and things that are compatible with you.

I won’t put the worst of someone else on the internet without agreeing to put the best of them right beside it. I’m talking about us all living in a glass house. Only an idiot goes and throws stones, my bros.

I like to explode a few Hot Pockets in the microwave, sear some bacon before I dump the grease and pan into my sink (sorry environment), and then crawl into bed covered in cheap pizza sauce and regret.