20 Unspoken Food Rules

1. Thou shalt judge anyone who doesn’t fold their pizza slices. This is America! Obviously the only exception is if you’re working with some Neapolitan blend or a thin crust, foodie variety that would result in a condition known as pizza crumble.

2. Regardless of what your Mom told you, the taste of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is not dependent on the way it’s cut. The diagonal cut business is nonsense. Your parents were lying to you when they said it mattered. I’m sorry I had to tell you that.

3. If I offer you a Shark Bite and you happen to find the Great White shark, do not eat it. Thank me for my kindness and give it back. I can forgive most things, but eating the Great White is not one of them.

4. The cost of the sweet goodness known as Captain Crunch is that it may cut the roof of your mouth. This is the price you pay. Don’t complain about it.

5. Don’t you dare ask me to pass you ANYTHING while I’m mid-burrito eating. I obviously need two hands to hold this four meat, five cheese, double guacamole beast. I can’t lose structural integrity by passing you a napkin!

6. Filling each waffle square with syrup is for children. Drizzle, pass, and let’s get on with our lives.

7. Nachos shall never be made in the microwave if an oven is available. And, if you are pursuing an oven-based strategy, please layer the cheese and salsa. Also a little garlic seasoning never hurt, oh, and could you grill some chicken to put on there? Thaaaanks.

8. At McDonalds, stick to the script. You don’t need a guide to the secret menu of McGangBangs and how to “score” bonus fries. Enjoy what billions before you have and get over yourself. It’s McDonalds.

9. Two food items worth being spotted in a casual dining chain: Outback’s Bloomin’ Onion for its sweet-salty source of onion ring nirvana. The second, a Tour of Italy at Olive Garden. Both are impossible to beat. Typing the words makes me crave them. Bonus points for mad breadsticks.

10. After two samples at the Ice Cream Shoppe you’re just an asshole who can’t make up their mind in life and ice cream. Make choices. Stick to them. Chances are, there are other Thought Catalog posts that can help you with making good choices.

11. Speaking of ice cream, never smell the ice cream if your buddy says it smells like bacon. It doesn’t. Your buddy is tricking you, and you’re about to get a nose full of Rocky Road. Also, if they ask this question, they may not be your buddy and you might be ten.

12. I know this is the 21st century and we are supposed to be progressive but all these different flavors of Oreos make me uncomfortable. Watermelon? Birthday Cake? What’s next…Beer? Actually I wonder what that would taste like. Also, Double Stuffed or bust! Duh.

13. When sitting down for large meals with more than six people, be aware that if you sit in the middle of the table you will be passing dishes back and forth all meal and not grubbing. Keep this in mind for Thanksgiving, it’s never too early to think about Thanksgiving….pie.

14. Only the brave and bold wear white t-shirts when eating tomato sauce based dishes. How courageous are you?

15. It’s better to try and fail at using chopsticks than to embarrass yourself and offend the chef, the host, and his entire societal structure by asking for a fork.

16. Some Pop Tarts can be eaten without being toasted, some mandate toasting. Know the difference. No, I won’t tell you which Tart necessitates a balanced toast.

17. Get over your fear of veggie burgers.

18. Just because Quesadillas are an option at Chipotle doesn’t mean you need to order them.

19. The only acceptable Doritos to be brought to a party are Cool Ranch. This isn’t a seventh grade sleepover where you’ll play Golden Eye til your hands are numb. Get that Nacho Cheese business out of here.

20.Just because all candy bars can be frozen doesn’t mean they should be. That being said, frozen Reese’s, Snickers, and Milky Ways are straight up next-level delicious. TC mark

image – Neil Conway

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