It really doesn’t take all that long to fall in love. So many people look at such a strong emotion as love in terms of time. How long have you known each other? How long have you been together? At what point is it okay to say those three words? Today I think about these things and I realize that love isn’t measured in time. It’s a feeling and a strong one at that. For such a small word it has so much power.
I thought that it was insane for me to think that I was in love with this boy. A guy I dated for 3 months. A relationship that was incredibly dysfunctional. We didn’t work, but then again we did. So for the short amount of time that we were together and to match the incredibly dysfunctional relationship, we had just as an f’d up break up. But let’s go back to the timing thing…I had no reason to be as hurt as I was. It didn’t make sense that I was reacting to the break up the way I was. It’s not like I was IN LOVE with the kid. I mean….we only dated three months! Although I knew the break up was coming, it didn’t hurt any less. I had fun with him. He said all the right things at all the right times. He knew how to make me laugh in seconds. He knew how to push my buttons in all the right ways. He challenged me to appreciate myself and respect myself on a level I have been trying to do for years. He reminded me and showed me how to be the good kind of selfish. He was everything I didn’t even know i needed at the time. So when the inevitable break up finally did happen it wasn’t a walk in the park. I literally felt my heart break. I still feel it now… months later. And as I sit here and listen to certain songs or see certain things I can’t comprehend how I’m still in pain, but I’ve come up with 2 reasons.
One, I never dealt with it head on. Distractions washed over me from the moment it ended and I haven’t stopped looking for more. The second reason is because I was in love.
Yes. I was in love, but not in the way that you are all thinking. I was in love in a completely different way. I was in love with the idea of him, the idea of us. I was in love with the guy that he has the potential to be. I was in love with the girl I was when I was with him. I will say that I am definitely seeing the past better than it was, but now I know why. I tried so hard to be the girl he wanted and I couldn’t do that because we just ultimately want different things. If we are going by the books we are two people that should have never crossed paths the way we did. We are two very stubborn very bold people that clashed. If you haven’t noticed I’m not a “by the books” person. And I challenge everything I see wrong. The sense of loss I am feeling is yes, of course, the usual loss that you feel after a break up. In addition to that loss, though I am feeling defeated. I could have been what he needed if he had given me the chance. I know I could have. I was in love with what we could have been. My heart is broken from something that never was. My heart is broken because I was never given the chance.