1. Dad hired a hitman to kill mom.
“Parents’ divorce seemed simple: Dad cheated on mom, mom gets custody of me. Dad didn’t like paying alimony and child support to the tune of $2k a month after he gave up rights. Dad had great idea: Pay a hitman $15k to kill soon-to-be ex-wife. Dad goes through with it, idiot actually pays undercover cop the money. Dad then flies back to Canada (home) and wait for results. International task force is formed to try and detain him. Geraldo Rivera covers story, idiot dad gets arrested in Toronto and flown back to California. In this process, I was three in care of family back down South, mother in protection by police. Dad’s family apparently wealthy, gets good lawyer, is charged with 17 felonies, can’t remember how many he was convicted of. He gets 18 months. After all of this mom still had to sue for divorce; it took two years.”
2. ‘Susan, you bitch! Quit digging in the dirt!’
“My uncle represented this guy getting a divorce from his wife of 15 years. Super toxic breakup and they split everything 50/50, even the land that the house they lived in sat upon. Well she decides to build a house right behind the other house; mind you, this was a lot of land probably 200 yards separating both home sites, so that the back of the houses faced each other. The house gets built and my uncle gets a call from his client asking about the legality of a situation he had gotten himself into. Apparently his ex-wife would spend a lot of time in her backyard, so he saw her all the time. What he did was buy a female dog and name it the same name as his ex-wife. Anytime he would let his dog back in from letting her out he would yell ‘Susan, you bitch! Get in here!’ He would also yell if she was peeing on the flowers: ‘Susan you bitch! Quit pissing on the flowers!’ or ‘Susan, you bitch! Quit digging in the dirt!’ The ex-wife called the cops on him a couple of times, but there was nothing they could do because the dog was registered under the name of Susan, and it was in fact a bitch so there you go.”
3. He hid Ziploc bags of ground meat throughout the house.
“I’m an accountant not a divorce lawyer. Had a client hide Ziploc bags of ground meat throughout the house (in air vents, the attic, behind water heater etc.) I think it was at least 20-30 bags that took months to find all of them.”