Analyzing what it meant to be a “nice guy” had me thinking a lot. Do they really finish last? What qualities do “nice guys” posses that make them have the stigma they do? The most important one: is being a “nice guy” even a good thing?
1.You apologize too much for things you don’t have to apologize for.
You might be thinking, “Huh, I can’t apologize?” No, that’s not what I said. I said that you apologize TOO MUCH. Often, what “nice guys” will do with girls they are interested in is apologize for little things in the same way they would apologize for something that actually warrants an apology. This will often be in terms of something they say, or small things they do around the girl in question. Creating attraction with a girl will come through your mistakes, and not solely your accomplishments.
The “nice guy” becomes afraid that if he does or says anything “wrong,” then the girl will no longer want to be around him. Therefore, he will sacrifice being genuine at the cost of being likable, which is not what he should do. So you said something that was maybe out of line, or you challenged her on something she did or said, but the fact is that you said what you thought you had to.
Never go back on your actions, unless of course it was extremely disrespectful (aka use common sense). Once you apologize too much, in the eyes of the girl, you will sound like someone with no convictions or very weak minded. It’s almost like “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.” This time though, you are just crying “sorry.” Next time you catch yourself in this situation, think before you speak.
2. You take rejection personally as something that is wrong with you.
Rejection happens to all of us in ALL aspects of life. It’s how we grow, and how we end up being successful in the long run. When it comes to finding someone, rejection more often than not can leave us blaming ourselves. It’s only natural that we blame ourselves because we create hindsight that only reflects on our actions and what we could have done, as opposed to the other person and what they could have done.
Let me make this clear — I’m not saying that you are not the problem completely. There are definitely times where you can be/have been rejected because you did something to cause the “relationship” to go south. However, what I am saying is that to take every rejection as a failure that somehow you caused is not the correct attitude to have. The “nice guy” will tend to be harder on himself than most other guys because we as a society tend to hold the “nice guy” on a pedestal.
The “nice guy” is apparently someone who is desired by all women because of the way they treat the girl. It only follows that if someone is a “nice guy” then he should never get rejected because he possesses what the girl is looking for, right? Of course we all know that this isn’t true. This means that the perception and the reality are not consistent, therefore only making “nice guys” more confused about themselves as “nice guys.”
You need to understand that being a “nice guy” doesn’t guarantee you anything as much as being an “asshole” does. A girl is not obligated to date you because you treat her right, etc. However, if she can’t accept the way you treat her and your personality because of the simple fact that you are a “nice guy,” then find someone who will appreciate you for you, and stop beating yourself up for being yourself. Move on, and live your life.
3. You are a “Yes” man.
Ah, the typical “Yes” man. You want to prove your worth as a “man” by always being there for her and helping out when you can. On the surface, this doesn’t actually seem like a negative thing. In any relationship it’s only natural and healthy to have a strong support system. The concept of sacrifice in a relationship only comes into play when you’re……well…..in a relationship. However, “nice guys” tend to take the concept of sacrifice to a new level before they even get into a relationship.
They will go out of their way time and time again to show the girl that they care about them by doing things for them. They believe that doing things for the girl is a way to stay on her good side and therefore create more attraction. However, this is untrue. A girl can recognize your intentions faster than you can, and that’s a fact. She knows you are trying to be genuine and actually help her out, but she can tell that you are doing it unnecessarily, which is not genuine at all.
Who is she to tell you that you can’t be there for her, especially when you’re the one putting yourself in the situation in the first place? I’m not saying you should always say “no” when it comes to helping people out, but again you need to find the line between being genuine and being likable. You “nice guys” need to stop looking at opportunities to “prove” yourself as possible ends to means. You are not earning points for this stuff.
When you sacrifice your time, energy, and emotion for someone, it’s often hard to get out of that mode. As I mentioned above, the “nice guy” will think that the more they sacrifice for the girl, the better their chances are at having the girl like them. Regardless of your status in the relationship, whether you are just talking or actually dating, you need to be critical of your actions.
Do you feel like you are giving 150% and they aren’t giving anything back? What have they done to prove they want to be with you? Do you find yourself questioning your actions thinking you are being taken advantage of? These are just some of the things you should be asking yourself. Remember, there is nothing wrong with saying “yes,” but always be aware of the situation and don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself.