“

“I accidentally grabbed Renée Zellweger’s boob.”

“

Shelly Miscavige, the wife to Scientology leader David Miscavige, hasn’t been seen in public since 2007. Rumors have circulated that she is either being held against her will, or worse, dead.

“

I was super paranoid that this machine allowed her to read my mind and was even more freaked out when she looked at me after I thought this and said, “Don’t worry, I’m not reading your mind.”

“

This lip-sync contest is a gift from the gods.

“

Taylor Swift—NOBODY IS ACTUALLY THAT NICE.

“

2. Hugs have the potential to be vaguely pornographic.

“

This weekend protect yourself from burning 40 minutes trying to find the perfect Netflix movie and indulge in a 90s classic.

“

The bottom line is that you are not other people.

“

3. Tom Cruise’s “wife.”

“

Go break a leg!