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“You cannot live your life to please others. The choice must be yours, because when you step out to face that creature, you will step out alone.” — Alice In Wonderland

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Tim Burton shows us the true meaning of Halloween.

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“Maybe it’s just in America, but it seems that if you’re passionate about something, it freaks people out. You’re considered bizarre or eccentric. To me, it just means you know who you are.”

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— McKeen, you shit-eating freak. I warned you not to write that vicious trash about me —

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And although Bob Saget isn’t an insult comic, I still get insulted when people call him a comic.

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The Dark Cristal follows Gelfling Ludacris as he tries to return the Cristal shard to its original vintage bottle. The bottle is guarded by the Skanksis — ten evil vulture-like creatures who drain the vitality of hoes in different area codes to remain young.

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I remember wearing suspenders that had silver Michael Jackson gloves attached to them, and blasting Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” even though I was five years old and clueless about its meaning.

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Wimbledon. Once a year, tennis seems kind of interesting for a ‘fortnight.’ For the record, I only know what a ‘fortnight’ is because of Wimbledon. Thanks, Wimbledon!

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I often find myself thinking, “I’m so glad that Tim Burton chose to look at Helena every morning when he wakes up, because now we get the pleasure of doing it, too. He is truly doing the Lord’s work.”

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I’m like the emotional equivalent of the homeless man leering at breasts in the corner of the bus while swigging from a bottle of whiskey. “Yeah, that’s right, I bet you’re goal-oriented but caring. I bet you’d make a great father. Oh, yeah.”