“

Chris Brown: How has fatherhood helped you view women?

“

“There’s no one left to finger.”

“

“There are only two reasons to hate gay marriage. Either you’re dumb, or you’re secretly worried that dicks are delicious.” —Joe Rogan

“

Yaaaaaas!!!!!!! After much speculation and prayers and offerings from die-hard Janet Jackson fans and gays all around the world, Ms.Jackson has finally revealed the details of her 36-date North American “Unbreakable” Tour.

“

1. The real Miley Cyrus is dead and buried in the desert. The Miley Cyrus now is an imitator.

“

“Ew, even her mom is gorgeous,” I complained. My roommate glanced over with mild interest then remarked, “Yeah. She looks like Halle Berry.”

“

30. Snoop Dogg went to school with Cameron Diaz and sold her marijuana at the time.

“

No matter what you think of Miley Cyrus personally, it’s about time we all started respecting the right of women to make mistakes and get messy — because that’s what sexuality is.

“

If I dated Justin Timberlake, when we had sex (which would be A LOT) sometimes I’d ask him to hide his D in a box for me, and I would be excited to see it EVERY time he brought it out.

“

When you go out to eat together, this friend must only give you the exact amount they owe and nothing more. “Okay, so my dish was $10.99? Great, here’s $11.00. Bye!”