I’m not good at feelings. I’m not good at relationships. I never learned how to love “right”. I don’t do grey, I don’t do “maybes”, I don’t do “just friends”. It was always all or nothing for me. But with you, it was different.
I could have loved you. In fact, I probably might have loved you. And you might have loved me too. But we’ll never know because all we had was an “almost”. I guess I just want you to know that at one point, you were the only person in my life who could truly make me happy in any given moment. You were the only one whose texts could make a huge grin come on my face involuntarily. The only one who made me feel like I was walking on clouds. Maybe I did the same for you. But we’ll never know because all we had was an “almost”.
It sucks because you caught me by surprise. You caught me by surprise and like little snowflakes piling up on the driveway, suddenly I woke up one morning, reaching for my phone with the thought of you and realized, “Holy fucking shit. I’m screwed”. I’m not good with feelings, remember? I’m not good with loving people. But I probably fell in love with you. I probably fell for you one night during our late night conversations. I probably fell for you during one of our long kisses. I probably fell for you during one of our silly snapchat sessions, our long drives, our songs.
I don’t know what happened to us though. For a few weeks, I really struggled to understand why we went from being so close to nothing. For a few weeks, it hurt to think of you losing interest in me. It hurt to not see your name pop up on my phone like it did every single day for the past several months.
Maybe we were “grey”, maybe we were “just friends”, maybe we were an “almost”. And maybe that was okay for you. It wasn’t for me.
I still miss you every single day. Whenever we do get to talk, it still makes me happy as it did before. But I guess I’m letting go. I’m letting go of that fantasy that I created for us, because that’s all it really is, isn’t it? We weren’t friends, but we weren’t together. We were close, but not close enough. We spent so much time together, but we weren’t dating. I guess that only means one thing. We were nothing. We are nothing.
We were almost something.
And “almost” really, really sucks.