To The Guy Whose Heart I Broke

Gabi E. Mulder
Gabi E. Mulder

It’s been a long time since our story ended but you still cross my mind from time to time. I know you’d be surprised to hear that given how everything turned out. I know I’m probably the villain in the story you’d tell friends, new girlfriends, perhaps your kids one day. Your first heartbreak, the girl that screwed you over, left you in pieces.

I know you probably spent a lot of your nights trying to erase me out of your thoughts, trying to piece together where exactly it all went wrong, the warning signs that you might have missed, all the things you could have done differently to save yourself that heartbreak. Your friends probably reassured you that I was just a monster, someone who couldn’t appreciate you. You’d nod and agree but your mind would still go back to wonder how someone you thought you knew so well could do this to you.

I know because I’ve been there so many times since I left you. And you know something silly? Every single time that I fell to the floor, my heart in pieces, barely able to think, to speak, to breathe—I’d think of you.

It’s a funny thing: falling out of love.

We are always bitter about the ones that broke our hearts, the ones that left us when we gave them every part of us that we possibly could. There are countless songs, movies, books out there about people who are left. But what about the one who leaves? Did their hearts not break too?

I know mine did.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? You are moved on by now and the thought of me probably never cross your mind anymore but I still think of you. I still feel the guilt, the remorse, the regret over what I had done to you. When you end up hurting somebody that you truly cared about, I don’t think the guilt ever leaves. You have all the reasons in the world to resent me for the pain I caused you. But please know that I was in pain too. Please don’t dehumanize me like the songs and movies do. I am not a cold, heartless robot. Maybe it was easier for you to think of me that way, maybe it was easier to accept everything if you hated me. But don’t forget, I’m human too. I was hurt too. I still hurt.

I know some day, you will find someone you’re right about. I know you’ll be very happy. I’m just sorry that it couldn’t be with me. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Boston-based 20 year old. I love too hard, think too hard and live too hard.

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