8 Status Updates That You Should Never Post For The Good Of All Humanity

Twenty20 / abbywilcoxphoto
Twenty20 / abbywilcoxphoto

We’ve all seen these Facebook posts in our Newsfeeds. Some of us unfollow the people producing them, but the rest of us love to hate them. Maybe, we take a twisted comfort in knowing we’re better at Facebook than these people. Or, we just think they’re kind of funny. Either way, you’ve definitely encountered these types of statuses and sort of wanted to murder the people who wrote them.

1. The passive aggressive statement clearly directed toward a specific person

“Apparently, people don’t want to hear you play guitar unless you can play songs they know.”

“I can’t stand when people complain about something then turn around and do it themselves.”

“Why do chicks always date jerks and complain about them to guys who would actually make good boyfriends?”

2. The contrived declaration that you’re super fulfilled in your relationship

“[Tagged name of boyfriend] left these on my table while I was at work so they were waiting for me when I came home! I am one lucky girl!” [Picture of flowers]

[On significant other’s wall] “luv ya xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

“Thank God I’ve found someone who would never treat me like this!” [Link to article about an abusive relationship]

“Reminded me of [tagged name of boyfriend]…” [Link to article with a title like “10 Signs You’ve Found a Real Man”]

3. The attempt to honor a serious event that actually trivializes it

“I can’t believe it’s been three years since [tagged name of dead person] took her own life! RIP!!”

“Please pray that my grandpa gets out of the hospital okay!!

4. The vague, obvious statement about a world event everyone is aware of

“Such a big step forward for gay rights in this country!!”

“The actions of ISIS are completely contemptible! It baffles me that such hatred exists in this world!”

5. The spammy attempt to promote your business

“Hi everyone! If you didn’t catch my last post, please like my company and I’ll give you a code for a discount on your dog’s next sweater!” [Tagged names of several dozen acquaintances]

“We’ve poured so much sweat, blood, and tears into launching a new app that’s going to revolutionize professional networking!” [Link to website that says nothing but “sign up for our newsletter”]

“If you’ll be attending the Big Data Conference in San Jose next week, stop by our booth for a free T-shirt!”

6. The feeble, occasionally poetic cry for help

“How are you supposed to put one foot in front of the other when you can’t even get out of bed?”

“What do you do when the thing you need the most is also your greatest fear?”

“Helllllpppp”

“I need a hug.”

7. The clichéd inspirational quote

“Reach for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

“You laugh at us because we’re different. We laugh at you because you’re all the same.”

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

8. The reflective holiday post

“This Thanksgiving, I think we should all take a look outside ourselves for a second and think about how we can use this occasion to help others. Even just donating a few dollars or volunteering at your local soup kitchen really goes a long way.”

“Let’s take this day to honor all the brave men and women who have fought for our country.”

“I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs in 2014. The only thing that’s gotten me through it is the support of my family and friends. Thank you everyone for helping me when I couldn’t help myself.” TC mark

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