1. The Incredible Hulk Drunk.
Sober, he does push-ups on his knees, but once he downs a few drinks he suddenly develops super strength and only uses it for evil. He crushes beer cans, smashes mailboxes, and destroys anything and everything along your path really…which is a loooong walk home since you can’t get a cab because he’s carrying an uprooted stop sign.
2. Digress to College Drunk.
This guy wants you to “Chug! Chug! Chug!” everything including your glass of Merlot. Whether he is bouncing quarters into everyone’s drink or depantsing your buddy, you are always left wondering not only how he managed to graduate in the first place but how he dresses himself every morning as well.
3. The Naked Drunk.
There is always that one male friend who constantly finds an excuse to get naked. “Is it hot in here or just me?” Neither. Now put your pants back on before you get tasered again.
4. Chef Drunk.
He can’t make toast, but he is going to attempt to cook a four course meal out of the expired boxes in his cabinet/condiments in his fridge. He will pass out half way through destroying the kitchen, while you get to have a heart attack as the fire alarm begins blaring around 6 am.
5. The Weekend At Bernie’s Drunk.
Against all better judgment, he downed a flask of Jäger in the cab so naturally he will be doing one of three things by midnight: puking, sleeping, or puking on himself in his sleep. Since no one else is ready to leave or trusts him to make it home alone, you throw some sunglasses on him and drag him around town. He will wake up with no recollection of the night before, as well as a drawing of a dick on his face.
6. The Ladies Man Drunk.
This multitasker is simultaneously hitting on every woman at the bar while avoiding personal space boundaries as he asks you how come you two never got together. Why? This is why. Now go back to hitting on the incredibly hot bartender who likes you even more than that stripper from last weekend you won’t shut up about.
7. Mr. Make It Rain Drunk.
This guy has milk crates for a coffee table yet suddenly he is buying rounds for everyone at the bar. Bottle service for $1000?! No problem. If you’re a good friend, you may want to fill his pockets with those limes and lemons so he can feed himself when he wakes up homeless.
8. The After Hours Drunk.
You guys shut down the 2 AM bar. 4 AM too. In fact, the staff is literally mopping around him as he is trying to order another drink. Have no fear though, some guy he met in the alley told about some “sick party” under a viaduct where you will surely not get murdered.
9. The Double-Dog-Dare-Me Drunk.
Someone at the diner mentioned they hated mayonnaise so suddenly your friend is about to put away a ten lb. jar of it while the rest of the restaurant cheers him on.
10. The Mike Tyson Drunk.
Unlike “The Incredible Hulk” who wants to just fight inanimate objects, this special breed of intoxicated is trying to fight every guy at the bar. When sober he never fails to hold open a door or say “Bless you,” after every sneeze, but now you are hanging off his arm to prevent him from attacking a guy who said sorry twelve times for accidently bumping into him over an hour ago.
I mean seriously, why can’t he just take his pants off like your other friend?