Friday night some female friends and I decided to catch a show at Lincoln Hall. The night started out innocently enough with dinner, a few drinks, and some live music. Some time around midnight Fireball Whiskey reared it’s ugly head, and at least two of us got pregnant.
When we closed down the first bar, one of my friends suggested we head to “Underground,” but in my drunken state I naturally assumed she was talking about “Underbar” so I agreed. It wasn’t until the cab started heading south (and I tried to correct him), that I realized I had made a terrible mistake. If you are from Chicago, you know just how terrible, but if you are not from here, imagine thinking you are headed to a local dive located below an underpass yet you arrive in a skeezy, Vegas-esque style club downtown.
We might as well have headed to the strip club, because I saw just as many vaginas…
All in all, most of the night was an entire shit show. It started out with several of us, yet two of us emerged from the club while it was still dark out, and only three of us are accounted for a day and a half later. Luckily, I turned down the guy with the bottle service pouring up roofie-coladas all night.
This got me thinking how every girl’s night has certain kinds of girls involved and always ends up pretty much the same. It really doesn’t matter which friends come out or where you go, there will always be the following:
1. The Lost Cause Drunk
Everyone has that friend who “loses” her keys, her ID, or her phone. You will spend most of the night attempting to track down her belongings which were in her pocket the whole time. She will however, without fail, wake up with only one shoe.
2. The Destroyer Drunk
Whether she is dropping glasses, bottles, or her phone, she brings a symphony of shattering sounds wherever she goes. She is usually the one who ends up ripping menus into pieces and/or throwing limes at a random passerby as well.
3. The Dancing Queen Drunk
You can usually find her pushing her self to the middle of the dance floor and grinding on anything with a pulse. She is tone deaf and has no rhythm, but that won’t stop her from preforming a one woman show on the bar whose encore closes face first on the floor.
4. The Make-Out Drunk
She came. She kissed. She conquered. She also got a shit load of free drinks.
5. The Houdini Drunk
She will disappear and resurface more times than Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab. The only way to keep tabs on this one would be if Louis Vuitton came out with a line of those mini backpacks with the leash attachments.
6. The Other-Half Drunk
You have known her for years yet haven’t seen her in months since “she” became a “we.” Her boyfriend finally escaped for a night out so she dusted off her heels and came to meet you. She will spend the entire night texting him/simultaneously making you nauseous. With any luck, she will leave by midnight, but not before flirting with every guy in the bar to prove she’s still got it.
7. The Shots, Shots, Shots!!!! Drunk
You tell her you have to work tomorrow. You have brunch with the boyfriend’s family whom you have never met. You have a top secret meeting with The President. You are still a pussy if you take anything less than 23765891 shots with her every six minutes.
8. The Semi-Sober Drunk
For whatever reason she is not as intoxicated as the rest of you even though you watched your other friend make her take all those shots. She is level headed, therefore when one of you suggests hopping into the back of a pick-up truck to some random’s house party, she is there to attempt to talk some sense into you…or at least distract you long enough for those guys to find a group drunk in its entirety.
9. The Cry Baby Drunk
The friend that is now upset with the one of you who wouldn’t let her leave with sweatpants at the bar guy, who may or may not have been her future husband. Now she will never know, and if she winds up with a collection of cats, it is your fault!
10. The Girl on a Mission.
“I am getting hammered tonight!”
“I sooooo getting laid tonight!”
“I am going to eat a burrito the size of my head later!”
Either way this girl has her mind set on something, and IT IS HAPPENING. Don’t try to get in her way or you may lose a weave or finger.
If she wants to bang the guy with the lazy eye, that’s her prerogative…just as long as I get my effing burrito!