Due to my fondness of dick and fart jokes, I am friends with mostly guys. I follow numerous amounts of them on Instagram so when I am bored and looking through the “pictures my friends liked” page, I see lots of photos of women.
I would have to estimate about 95% of these photos are “selfies,” meaning they are pictures of women, taken by said women. This is mostly a female based phenomenon because men are not as self involved as we are. Although, I am willing to bet if Donald Trump had an Instagram, it would be filled with pictures of his bad toupee and money…
The concept of the selfie is ridiculous really. “Hey look at this picture of me and ‘like it’ to let me know I am aesthetically pleasing to your eyes.” Even though it is silly, even modest little ole me is guilty of such vanity. I mean, if I wake up and don’t feel like I look like I am in my third trimester, my hair has decided to take a break from being an asshole for one day, and I actually spent the time to put on make up (and not just my usual make up routine, aka sunglasses) it is my civic duty to share it with the world. Only if the stars align and all three of these occur, will you see a selfie out of me.
Some girls just can’t seem to get enough of themselves and post selfies constantly…you know who you are. We all know what you look like so you can stop now. Seriously, we get it.
However, there are some of you have never taken a selfie, so that’s where I come in. It’s a right of passage so I am here to help you achieve the perfect picture to make people think, “Hey wait, she doesn’t look like that in person!”
I am about to teach you the power of the selfie, just don’t abuse it or it will lose its magic.
Step 1: Find the Perfect lighting.
Something that says, “No, I’m not radioactive, I just naturally glow in the moonlight.” Another safe bet would be to go outside and let the sun reflect directly off your face…it’s nature’s Photoshop! (Don’t worry about looking tan, we can fix that later.)
Step 2: Achieve the perfect angle.
Everyone has their “good side,” but what you need to do is move the camera around to endless positions until you look at least ten pounds thinner. If you are already thin, find the angle that makes your boobs look bigger. If you are thin and already have big boobs, you either bought them or I hate you. Either way, your lips can never be big enough so purse those suckers out. Don’t worry, no one will notice you didn’t have those puppies yesterday.
Step 3: Do not smile.
If you want people to think you are sexy, you can’t show your teeth. I was under the impression that “The sexiest thing a woman can wear is her smile,” but millions of girl’s selfie photos have taught me otherwise. Don’t even smile with your eyes. It’s best to try to look dead inside.
Step 4: Don’t even look at the camera.
You want people to think you are not only sultry, but intelligent as well. Nothing says, “I am deep,” like gazing off in the distance. You’ll have them wondering, “Is she thinking about world peace? How to cure cancer? All of the above!?” Beauty and Brains? Well that almost never happens”…until you!
Step 5: Be artistic.
You are hot (maybe), smart (kinda), so now you need to seem creative and whimsical. Try flipping the picture because no one will think you are a free thinking, creative, spirit, unless you turn your picture side ways or upside down. Everyone knows you can’t look sophisticated right side up.
Step 6: Filter that bad boy.
Give yourself a tan, remove those bags from under your eyes, hell you can even cover up bad skin with the right filter. Why just stop there? Double filter that baby. Triple filter it! You’ll have people wondering if they have glaucoma or if you are Mila Kunis in no time!
Step 7: Caption it.
My little selfie wonders, you’ve come so far so don’t fuck it all up now. You need the perfect caption. You want people to think you not only gorgeous, smart, and artsy but modest as well. Let them know how much you “hate this picture of yourself” or “how little make up you have on.” I mean, I know personally my lips are naturally red and my eye lashes elongate and curl themselves while I sleep…don’t everyone’s?
If you spent hours achieving the the perfect selfie yesterday but actually look good on your own today, there is still hope. Grab some inanimate object and post a picture of yourself holding it. No one will notice your back to back selfies or suspect you’re coincided if you pose with a paper coffee cup, and caption it, “MMMM Starbucks!”